tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39501038286397918002024-03-04T21:15:37.703-08:00My Heart in your HandsAmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-28487046966693202992013-11-05T21:04:00.001-08:002013-11-05T21:04:49.071-08:00New Location...I have moved! In trying to combine this blog with Ruthie Lou's story, as well as some new endeavors, I am working on a new website.<div><br></div><div>Come check out the new location:</div><div><br></div><div>www.amielands.weebly.com</div><div><br></div><div>Love, light & healing to you ❤️</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-47308068834467397942013-10-02T08:25:00.001-07:002013-10-02T08:27:10.761-07:00Capture Your Grief<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">GRIEF. Noun. A person, place or thing. "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed" </span></div><div><br></div><div>GRIEVING. Verb. An action word. Something that you do. "1 : to cause to suffer : distress <it grieves me to see him this way> 2 : to feel or show grief over <grieving the death of her son> "</div><div> </div><div>If grief is the response to loss and that loss never goes away then in return, the grief is never ending. It does not go away. It does not end. EVER.</div><div><br></div><div>But it does change. And continue to change. Thank goodness for the change.</div><div><br></div><div>It would be naive of me to think that how I feel today is how I will continue to feel in years come, that how I felt in year one of missing Ruthie Lou even mirrors how I feel this year. Thankfully, grief changes. Now that doesn't mean that I miss her any less or that I am comfortable in any way with living without my daughter but the loss becomes more tolerable, more normal to this life. And it certainly doesn't mean that in a moments notice (or no notice at all) that I can find myself in the fresh, raw emotions of devastation that haunted me for months after saying goodbye to our sweet girl. Those moments still follow me......</div><div><br></div><div>I am thankful for this change. I am sad for this change. In moving farther away in time and in emotion, I feel like I have forgotten some of the memories I never wanted to forget. Thank goodness I wrote so much down, I read those words, close my eyes and I can instantly smell Ruthie Lou's sweet baby smell, I can feel her thick coarse hair in my fingers, I can hear the purr of her breath. But I am thankful that my mind has protected my heart enough to live in this world again, to find joy in the sorrow, to see beauty in the pain.</div><div><br></div><div>With all that said, the grief is ever present. It never fully goes away. Like the healing of a wound, the scab has come off but we are still left with this scar, the ever present reminder of the life that will never return.</div><div><br></div><div>I am participating in the "Capture Your Grief" event once again this year, it is a photographing event, which seems fitting to my loss for words lately. Last year, I was unable to finish the month, it was too raw, too hard to hold others grief along with my own. This year, I have a fresh perspective, a pull at my heart to discover the purpose in this mystery of life, to contribute to the legacy left by my daughter. I am not exactly sure what that is yet but I am following my heart to see where it leads. Ruthie Lou gave me so many gifts, left so many lessons in the shadow of her path and I don't feel like she's done yet. Perhaps she is guiding me through my journey.</div><div><br></div><div>Whatever the outcome, whether I finish the month or not, I know that my job in this life is to bring awareness to the world. Awareness of loss, awareness of love, awareness of grief, that it is all perfection. These babies who we love so much, are so important, they are our family, parts of our hearts that can never be replaced or forgotten, they are our greatest loves. No matter if our children are in our arms or in our hearts, they are a part of us. Forever. </div><div><br></div><div>I never want them to be forgotten. I never want a mama or a family to feel alone. You are not alone in this grief. </div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMRqqn9Lxc9mCt1oL3cfLURqrdn8I2Zb1W3gIg72j365xlJlvl_7eM01P4SvDLhCMADiCeh7SF4ula5w5NcnAyReCSK62ZbScOBWqhZo2yO0-AtqdnmvDwsMKfn8klBLJyHXKXvSSKpM/s640/blogger-image-1564772662.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMRqqn9Lxc9mCt1oL3cfLURqrdn8I2Zb1W3gIg72j365xlJlvl_7eM01P4SvDLhCMADiCeh7SF4ula5w5NcnAyReCSK62ZbScOBWqhZo2yO0-AtqdnmvDwsMKfn8klBLJyHXKXvSSKpM/s640/blogger-image-1564772662.jpg"></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-45502193574536273962013-09-30T22:14:00.001-07:002013-09-30T22:27:46.271-07:00A picture speaks a thousand words<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">am taking some photography classes and they seem to have taken any free moments I get after Reid falls asleep, it's great. They are not quite technical classes for my camera (yet!) but they are reflective forms of using the camera and ways to edit some sweetness in the photos. This work has really put some perspective back into my heart. It seems that I don't have, or haven't made, as much writing time as I once had and I miss it dearly. I miss the ability to put time into my thoughts but these pictures are speaking a thousand words that I am unable to right now. The camera is seeing the view of my heart, it's speaking volumes for me. </span></div></div></div><div><br></div><div>I spend a lot of alone time with Reid, beautiful, challenging, rewarding alone time. Since dad is full time school and work right now, Reid and I do pick up, dinner, bath time, evening walk, dancing and bed time together each and every day, it is so hard and exactly as I hoped it to be. He is my buddy, my sweet boy, my love. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhinUYiMYiLoMzf8a309IMfJ8KmIrUCC2X0ESUeSXMdXBsAw2IlKy_YSiHdYXYmxxqabjZvsMmpP7rTu7tsEKfvIJbV21_enLZkI0Nrn-hOcVOvVStwRtCWCnhlsoMDoEJiaPLVXWb4ktI/s640/blogger-image--1329276286.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhinUYiMYiLoMzf8a309IMfJ8KmIrUCC2X0ESUeSXMdXBsAw2IlKy_YSiHdYXYmxxqabjZvsMmpP7rTu7tsEKfvIJbV21_enLZkI0Nrn-hOcVOvVStwRtCWCnhlsoMDoEJiaPLVXWb4ktI/s640/blogger-image--1329276286.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbu4WorbdfLUV8FBIQKMH3WG8hDOli9OAX0zH8bwJ_U60m-jzoz1lmzNn7wOHPiPsAl0E2K-YRO-CjHnLAYJZ7WRta9M-2TWh-yQZUxEenyhZ52y5Xyf3oM275VqH2vCdG53q_uF707ss/s640/blogger-image--851987601.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbu4WorbdfLUV8FBIQKMH3WG8hDOli9OAX0zH8bwJ_U60m-jzoz1lmzNn7wOHPiPsAl0E2K-YRO-CjHnLAYJZ7WRta9M-2TWh-yQZUxEenyhZ52y5Xyf3oM275VqH2vCdG53q_uF707ss/s640/blogger-image--851987601.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLkPeuBqHbPoE4JWc8wyldAYrqv_Ecw1wQut4gX9JXg6EtHIpBAoRdy7sE38-a4nmMseF8VuNYQc-c-c1ZSRbmsKCvOiUKdVYKqjy-gNuzDa9laubE2eKxj4YUernyv0WNYNnftsgRZIE/s640/blogger-image--324142571.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLkPeuBqHbPoE4JWc8wyldAYrqv_Ecw1wQut4gX9JXg6EtHIpBAoRdy7sE38-a4nmMseF8VuNYQc-c-c1ZSRbmsKCvOiUKdVYKqjy-gNuzDa9laubE2eKxj4YUernyv0WNYNnftsgRZIE/s640/blogger-image--324142571.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHEQVJdTzd8YSZ2EolDBAej_93Gt3JYqNp0u8bxIjtbkYc8zrMLJfO5fKKZWai3MmIA0EhNWmHf33_9-U3bqXAIBLHTGWBvwKWhYcI5l3S4bw5z2yZUzZmFp0NN_kTBc4GqYmoV4DTYz4/s640/blogger-image-1981871325.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHEQVJdTzd8YSZ2EolDBAej_93Gt3JYqNp0u8bxIjtbkYc8zrMLJfO5fKKZWai3MmIA0EhNWmHf33_9-U3bqXAIBLHTGWBvwKWhYcI5l3S4bw5z2yZUzZmFp0NN_kTBc4GqYmoV4DTYz4/s640/blogger-image-1981871325.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>Being a mama is the hardest, most exhausting, yet rewarding job I have ever had. I look around the house and it doesn't seem like I do much of anything. I don't have alone time, let alone free time. I can't remember the last book I read in its entirety that wasn't a parenting book. I can't do any task that requires the use of two hands. But I do get, big hugs, sweet kisses, squeals, oinks and a dancing partner all night long. I get to see the world through the innocent eyes of a discovering toddler. And at the end of the day when I snuggle him close, I get to breathe in the sweet fragrance of heaven as I inhale his baby smell. </div><div><br></div><div>I thoroughly realize I actually do so much. I am raising a little person; a brilliant, loving, sweet little boy. And THAT is my most important job, ever.</div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-1357839992263597842013-09-09T22:22:00.001-07:002013-09-09T22:22:59.164-07:00Never.You are asleep in my arms as I lay in the recliner in the dark living room, it's way past bed time. You've been a out for a while now, soft music playing in the background, the perfect soundtrack to he rhythm of your breathing. I could lay you down in bed but then I wouldn't be holding you and right now, all I want in the world is to hold you. I never want to let you go. Never. And certainly not tonight.AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-89348137915499988852013-08-07T21:55:00.001-07:002013-08-07T21:55:55.308-07:00And so it begins... Ruthie Lou's Month.It was a Sunday two years ago on August 7th, a typical summer night. I was tired, swollen, living barefoot and pregnant & loving life at 37 weeks 3 days. I called the nurse who advised me to stay hydrated drinking watermelon and cucumber juicees. I skipped the horse races for the first year ever because I could not imagine walking the hot pavement at the fairgrounds. I decided it was time to write my three months of sub plans since my baby would be arriving soon, there was much planning to do. On that very same night I had no idea that "tomorrow" would be the day that I joyfully & excitedly would go into labor with the sweetest baby girl. I had no idea that those moments would be forever ingrained in my head, setting the first domino in motion that would change my life. Forever. <div><br></div><div>And so it begins...Ruthie Lou's month...</div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-35191757790814179702013-07-23T08:55:00.001-07:002013-09-01T07:12:08.286-07:00There is only love<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I wrote this in early 2011, shortly after the transition of a most beautiful woman, sister, daughter of our friend(s) which was months before Ruthie Lou arrived but while she was in my belly. I was overwhelmed with pain, sadness & disbelief at the loss of such a unique soul yet somehow had this glimpse into what my God is, what life is because of her life. I have reflected on this piece so many times as I have walked this journey of two years. It amazes me tha I had the insight to write this without having any idea the turn my life would soon take. It's moments like this that solidify my faith of "what is"...</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">"I believe in a God that is loving. </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that our human experience is only one small part in the life of our soul and it does not begin nor end on the day of our birth or death. </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that our human life is short. Often times shorter than we could ever imagine. It is my own personal responsibility to live and love in a way that everyday I am spiritually fulfilled and proud of who I am and who I am eternally becoming.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that people make daily choices in their life. From the moment I wake until I lay my head back on my pillow at night, my choices should be well thought out and only made with good intentions. </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that we are responsible only for oursleves. I can only control my own actions and reactions to experiences and events in my life. </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that all people are beautiful, pure and have good intentions. I make mistakes but am clear to always learn the lesson and try better next time.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I believe that very unfortunate things happen to very good people everyday without reasons known to us. Everyday I have the gift of choice of what I will learn from my experiences and how I will respond to lifes greatest as wells as most unfortunate events.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); ">My God is pure, loving, accepting and warm. There is only love."</span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); "><br></span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); ">-2011</span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); "><br></span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); ">Two years later I am more certain than ever, there is only love. All my love to you, wherever you are on your own journey.</span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> </div><div><br></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-15385838001246640282013-06-09T00:16:00.001-07:002013-06-09T00:16:01.257-07:00One year, ten months.That's how old you would have been today.<div><br></div><div>Every month that thought, as the number continues to grow, in an instant brings me to my knees. </div><div><br></div><div>One year, nine months....</div><div><br></div><div>since you left my arms 33 days later. I had no choice other than setting you free. I had to let you go but let's be clear, I didn't want to.</div><div><br></div><div>The days keep moving. And moving. And moving.</div><div><br></div><div>I love this life. I love my baby Reid. </div><div><br></div><div>and in the same breath</div><div><br></div><div>I miss my Ruthie Lou, my sweet precious girl. My heart forever breaks for you. Sometimes I am pretty sure I don't have any idea just how much I am really broken from losing you. </div><div><br></div><div>While I absolutely, hands down, no questions asked, love THIS life, I equally HATE that my daughter is not here to share it with us in the way I planned her to be. </div><div><br></div><div>I am a mama to two children who I will forever love more than life itself.</div><div><br></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-25737710518932462562013-06-04T21:47:00.001-07:002013-06-04T21:47:24.501-07:00Elementary School Talent Show<div>The elementary school talent show. That's where my heart fell to pieces today. The violinist stood on stage, all 4 feet of her. Her straight bob hair with the violin in her hand she prepared to play and her dad so lovingly set up her stage, music stand, microphone, chair to sit. It was beautiful. The violin floated across our 50 year old MPR amongst the sounds of the piano her father played. In this simple act of dad and while listening to their song, I lost my cool, I totally lost my shit. Maybe externally I held it together, maybe to those far enough away that they couldn't see the whites of my eyes turn red, welling with tears. </div><div><br></div><div>I miss our girl. I miss all of her, the parts we got to hold and love and cherish and the parts that we will never get. The talent shows, the school days, goodnight kisses, morning snuggles, chasing her around the house as we do her brother. And that only touches a portion of it. Kindergarten, promotion ceremonies, sports, teenage arguments, drivers license, dating, wedding day, pregnancy, grand babies...</div><div><br></div><div>I can never predict when or how hard these moments hit. The elementary school talent show made me lose my shit today. I miss our girl, I miss you Ruthie Lou every day still.</div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-7028074681579501582013-04-30T19:15:00.001-07:002013-05-02T09:41:12.176-07:00Our hearts live here...<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">It has been nearly 8 months since Ruthie Lou's "year", since we have completed her caringbridge website and began our life with her little brother Reid. </span><span style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Grief is a process, not an event", these words still hang on our fridge today. We have chosen to LIVE through our grief, to LIVE because of the love that we will forever have for the girl that made us a family, who enriched our hearts, changed our lives and made us better people. </span><b style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">THANK YOU SO MUCH for being our lifeline of support when we needed it most, we are eternally grateful for the love and support you have selflessly given to us. </b></div>
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<span style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif;">So much has changed in the past eight months yet so much remains the same as life has moved forward and we have began this new path. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">We are so in love with Reid and are really enjoying our life with him. He has re-opened a place in our hearts that we thought could never return. We are so grateful. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">While joy is ever so present when we look at the face of our boy, grief is a process that remains today as we live a life without his sister.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif;">As time has moved forward, we continue to be blessed with so much love and support from family, friends and the staff at the George Mark Children's House. Just about every other week, we pack up the car with baby Reid in tow and visit "sister's house" for counseling. We look forward to this trip every single time. Even though our life with Ruthie Lou in our arms has passed, the support from her house continues to be present. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Our fondest memories with Ruthie Lou are at GMCH and we are so appreciative to continue to be part of the family there. While money could never "repay" them for the time we had as a family that was priceless, the only way we can give back for their generosity is to pay it forward to other families that need the services of the gift that is George Mark.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif;">So, once again our family (and any friends interested) will be participating in <b>Sonoma County's Human Race on Saturday, May 11th</b>, a 10k/3k walk/run, to help raise money for the George Mark Children's House. We ask that if you are so inclined, please support us in this event and donate to a cause that will forever be so dear to our hearts. Every dollar donated makes a difference no matter the amount. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Last year we were able to surpass our goal of $500 and raised nearly $2,000 for the George Mark Children's House and we hope to surpass our goal once again this year!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif;">Please visit <span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u><b>http://www.humanracenow.org/goto/ruthieloucrew</b> </u>and </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">consider making a tax deductible donation </span></span><span style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">to the George Mark Children's House </span><span style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">in honor of Ruthie Lou, or any other child you have loved that has left us far too soon. </span><b style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"> </b><span style="font-family: 'bookman old style', 'new york', times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Your contribution will allow other families the opportunity and gift of time that our family was so graciously granted in the most desperate, heart wrenching yet beautiful time in our life, our life with Ruthie Lou. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif;">Thank you again and again and again.</span></div>
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AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-72345789031365362013-04-29T12:48:00.001-07:002013-04-29T12:50:19.873-07:00Moving Forward, Moving On...One of the hardest things to hear soon after Ruthie Lou left us was the words, "moving on". It brought up such anger that anyone could think that some day I would "move on" from my daughter, would you ever "move on" from your living children? Then why would I move on from my child who has left me....?<br />
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I have found that I am in a place of "moving forward", it feels so much different than moving on. Moving on feels devastating, like we will forget her, we are leaving her, we are moving to another place without her and that will never be the case. Moving forward feels like life is continuing forward with her by our side and in our hearts, where she will always reside whether spoken aloud or not.<br />
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Life gets busy. Real life beckons my return. Work, bills, being a mama, wife, friend and a functioning member of society demand my presence and that is a hard to pill to swallow on some days. But on other days, the sunshine pours in our bedroom window and I am woken by the sweet smiles and laughter of a little boy, our rainbow baby, the rainbow after the storm. Somehow, it has gotten easier. Somehow, life has moved forward and I am a part of this life that I had no choice in other than the choice to keep living. I am so grateful that real life beckons me back because THAT is what my daughter would have wanted. She would have wanted us to move forward, loving life and living the best life possible. <br />
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So many gifts she left behind, so many lessons. I miss my sweet girl each day and I am so grateful she taught me the true value of this life. I am forever changed. I am better because of her.AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-66623088843956741402013-04-01T22:07:00.001-07:002013-04-01T22:09:10.789-07:00Stay tuned...I have written my first children's book...!<br />
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I do my best thinking in the shower, don't you? As the hot water warms me and steam fills the bathroom, the house becomes quiet or at least in my mind it does. It is (usually) the only ten minutes of the day that I get to myself, no demands, no crying, no phone; texts, ringing, FB, or emails. It is the perfect time to think. My day start best clean, clean body, clean mind and a clean start to the day. <br />
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The other morning as I was in the shower rushing to get out the door for work, the baby slept in so I was alone in the bathroom and the water got me thinking...and writing in my head. Many times I am not able to write down my thoughts as they come to me (because I'm in the shower!) so I "write" then in my head hoping that they someday make it to my journal...and sometimes they actually do. But this morning as I was thinking, my mind started writing my book, not Ruthie Lou's book, as it has so many times before but my children's book which is also on my wish list of life. Now, Ruthie Lou's book is such a task to tackle because while I could (and have) written hundreds of pages for her, to her and about her; her actual book is a challenge I am not yet prepared to face...YET. It is still too soon to write her book for my heart. <br />
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So instead, my mind went to the small attainable goal of writing a book for children. And since I am surrounded by kids 24/7, the thoughts came as if placed from above...and I'm sure they were! I wrote my first children's book...in my head...while in the shower...along with an entire set of volumes to accompany it but this ONE, the first one, has actually made it to paper. With some tweaks here and there and a proof read from my (super sister) illustrator, this dream is beginning to come to fruition. <br />
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Stay tuned....AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-80456728961849386002013-03-24T16:34:00.001-07:002013-03-24T21:23:50.036-07:00Life keeps changing...Nothing ever stays the same. In moments of chaos, uncertainty and decisions to be made, THIS is peace. Sitting outside feeling the cool breeze, warm sun and smelling the spring flowers with my boy, THIS is peace. Family is peace. Nature is peace. Breathe in, breathe out. Be present, be now. Nothing is more important than this moment. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJDrkHpq_34CWzOdSio6t1XGmWqXXCC7SoXsrZkhiTJ8U9AwBkG_VSUNhBBBwt5hET3ZkXsJQWdrvIdoEja8ZPLaecvWlMSgudbstgiot9xfylMBLcBStVKgDWfMKPWJ2KDUgu8WPTg4/s640/blogger-image-528316613.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJDrkHpq_34CWzOdSio6t1XGmWqXXCC7SoXsrZkhiTJ8U9AwBkG_VSUNhBBBwt5hET3ZkXsJQWdrvIdoEja8ZPLaecvWlMSgudbstgiot9xfylMBLcBStVKgDWfMKPWJ2KDUgu8WPTg4/s640/blogger-image-528316613.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-60958259245311537052013-03-04T21:25:00.001-08:002013-03-04T21:25:07.119-08:00Spring is nearMarch already?! Spring is near, the time is changing, lighter later, flowers blooming, new growth in nature, new life forming. It's a time for renewal, a time for re-birth. <br />
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It's crazy to feel like a normal mama to our 6 month old boy, figuring out how to balance my boy, work, groceries, cooking, exercise, writing, and leaving some time to give my husband attention, too. How do people do it? I have no idea. still. I think you just keep waking up, getting out of bed and trying again. I have learned that's the secret for most things in life, put one foot in front of the other & just keep trying!<br />
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It has been nearly a year and a half since we last held our sweet girl, I can't believe how far away that feels now yet how in an instant I could be thrown back there so quickly. Last month, realizing she would have been a year and a half is so hard to imagine, she will always be my sweet 6lb 9oz baby whose bootie fit so perfectly in the palm of my hand. I miss her so.<br />
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I look at this boy, I watch him grow right before my eyes and time is flying with him! Everyday is something new, some discovery he has made or new skill he has mastered. It's also so incredible that one can function on such small amounts of sleep. There is so much I want to do but the days are so short and the nights are so long. We spend about 12 hours a night in bed but usually only sleep about 7 of them. It's crazy making but so much fun.<br />
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Life is busy. Life is crazy. Life feels like a whirlwind, too. It's a happier whirlwind than last year, I am laughing and smiling now, but a whirlwind none the less. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHU0y1LygXug2Kew2poB1gMaNEsxU5OK2e5tlv_gf-1A5a7zmUvKaq9f_VvVfed4MPB7I6cSM78rBurth8XM3bQx_yOipQEJ7Paey9ksmTz0dHChvc7r0ySQ9cmvjkMTy4I-TZMdb-7jo/s640/blogger-image--2024195806.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHU0y1LygXug2Kew2poB1gMaNEsxU5OK2e5tlv_gf-1A5a7zmUvKaq9f_VvVfed4MPB7I6cSM78rBurth8XM3bQx_yOipQEJ7Paey9ksmTz0dHChvc7r0ySQ9cmvjkMTy4I-TZMdb-7jo/s640/blogger-image--2024195806.jpg" /></a></div> <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkw2G1itOJQMXDgXiQiDE8auzPPfuUwgOlDhzPJZwDf9wwUa8rjja42YhEeNpQmjpCs8FeuQfun65JDQTGTL85OCffBp0zszJhdnQMQNv7G1BX7YU1DF0aU5q5W98zkm_QMkI2ZbXiqTg/s640/blogger-image--287636377.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkw2G1itOJQMXDgXiQiDE8auzPPfuUwgOlDhzPJZwDf9wwUa8rjja42YhEeNpQmjpCs8FeuQfun65JDQTGTL85OCffBp0zszJhdnQMQNv7G1BX7YU1DF0aU5q5W98zkm_QMkI2ZbXiqTg/s640/blogger-image--287636377.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-29891909275768271672013-02-13T21:55:00.001-08:002013-02-13T21:56:01.187-08:00Loving Ruthie Lou Today...and Everyday!I have been feeling distant from myself as can happen when the pace of life picks up, I miss my writing days. But days filled with little boy laughter, smiles, grunts and farts are worth the lack of time...<br />
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I wanted to write a tribute to Ruthie Lou as I did for her brother but then I was reminded of writing from when she was alive, when I would write with her in my arms and NOTHING could compare to that moment in time. I wrote the following so that I would never forget how special my girl was, how important her life was and how incredibly much I love her. As if I could EVER forget.<br />
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Happy Valentines Day my sweet loves, RL & RW.<br />
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September 2011~<br />
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**Things I <3 about Ruthie Lou**<br />
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The faces she makes when I make out with her<br />
Her puckered lips<br />
Her popeye face<br />
Her grunty noises<br />
Her Squeals<br />
The way she moves her mouth all over <br />
How she wiggles, squirms & moves her mouth when she wakes up then stretches her feet out straight <br />
She likes to be held close to your body<br />
The smell of her baby johnsons hair<br />
Beautiful long fingernails, short stubby toenails and missing pinky nail<br />
Bony booty<br />
Skinny legs with rolls<br />
Her little pug nose, long curly blonde eyelashes, crazy blonde eyebrows remind me of papa jock<br />
Her amazing crazy hair, the perfect mix of mama and dad<br />
Blonde, red, brown golden straw hair<br />
She can lift her right eyebrow and wrinkle her forehead<br />
Her crooked smile as she sleeps<br />
Running my fingers thru her hair<br />
Her fists<br />
Her Flintstone feet<br />
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**Ruthie Has Taught Us...**<br />
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Imperfections are what make us Perfect<br />
Patience<br />
Parties are worth waking up for<br />
That her dad is amazing, more amazing than I ever knew<br />
Sunsets are magical<br />
I love to write<br />
Can't plan and schedule everything<br />
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**Ruthies Lessons**<br />
How to share<br />
Family is number one<br />
Friends are your family, too<br />
Kisses make everything better<br />
Love wholeheartedly<br />
Appreciate the little things<br />
Don't sweat the small stuff<br />
Hug your kids tighter<br />
Every morning we wake up is a blessing<br />
Sunsets are beautiful<br />
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**Blessings from Ruthie Lou**<br />
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Reunited a marriage, gave two boys their parents back<br />
Helped a mama love her girls with all choices in life, good and bad<br />
Uncle ****** made it on time to Ruthie Lou's blessing<br />
Made DAD LOVE ME even more<br />
Made ME LOVE DAD even more<br />
Families are slowing down for time with each other <br />
Brought new friends together <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5PWFP1BlIUGDRyPsvlA2qWvZyBEf7TRB8vcaspqieciPJbNlxDVOH35eo8mbzb9dym8W2LKHewPSXH9qBMI_21xA9tfsy4gfdqK8uPDw55UEXPZIibOSmNXay-aYwoanUAqDX-3oXS08/s640/blogger-image--241758253.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5PWFP1BlIUGDRyPsvlA2qWvZyBEf7TRB8vcaspqieciPJbNlxDVOH35eo8mbzb9dym8W2LKHewPSXH9qBMI_21xA9tfsy4gfdqK8uPDw55UEXPZIibOSmNXay-aYwoanUAqDX-3oXS08/s640/blogger-image--241758253.jpg" /></a></div> <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimb66E50QkFtS-h-Bdf_gbNAjU6lVjmmaS4UiDf0oD9dYcV2cSfDpjxsNwMLmFfn-qbFJN63ichK4L5YarC-PHsXLfZGZlvf5W62wNs9cg0Bozj6bPGwVZb2KVsqO_3FPrIgTNv3hFYAc/s640/blogger-image--999314301.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimb66E50QkFtS-h-Bdf_gbNAjU6lVjmmaS4UiDf0oD9dYcV2cSfDpjxsNwMLmFfn-qbFJN63ichK4L5YarC-PHsXLfZGZlvf5W62wNs9cg0Bozj6bPGwVZb2KVsqO_3FPrIgTNv3hFYAc/s640/blogger-image--999314301.jpg" /></a></div> <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkPUEgbyVCNdOl64NS_iLlovFac9ir8dzmUBAsop-vFtdrmrYRkH11sDjrJTmIWyjkA_OIO1v0Ha1Plfy5wxsEKczR_SvDd11Xed4fK86ZmUTL05nZ8YjLqZuqRqVw22t_wSrAZ1sHTEw/s640/blogger-image-185177002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkPUEgbyVCNdOl64NS_iLlovFac9ir8dzmUBAsop-vFtdrmrYRkH11sDjrJTmIWyjkA_OIO1v0Ha1Plfy5wxsEKczR_SvDd11Xed4fK86ZmUTL05nZ8YjLqZuqRqVw22t_wSrAZ1sHTEw/s640/blogger-image-185177002.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-80620483086441938422013-02-06T21:05:00.001-08:002013-02-06T21:05:10.051-08:00Loving Reid Today...and Every Day!I am in love being Reid's mama, he is a part of me still even though he is now apart from me. We have an understanding of one another that I never want to lose but since he must grow, alas, I will treasure each and every moment with this sweet boy.<br />
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I love the feeling of his hand wrapped around my finger, holding my hand while his love holds my heart. <br />
I love breast feeding him and his soft hand gently rubbing my chest.<br />
I love rocking him and his warm body contoured to mine. <br />
I love dancing with him and his eyes smiling up at me. <br />
I love sleeping with his snuggled body meshed next to mine. <br />
I love bath time that is more about playing than getting clean.<br />
I love wearing this boy on long walks, sharing with him all that is nature around us.<br />
i love reading him books and watching his mind learning with such wonder.<br />
I love soothing him when he is crying out for his mama. <br />
I love staring at his sweet face, us smiling at one another.<br />
I love the sound of laughter brightening the silent walls of our home. <br />
I love waking in the morning to a smile so bright it could light up all the sadness in my heart.<br />
I love our sweet boy Reid, for all he has brought, all that he is and all that will grow to be. <br />
<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4h7XCbO08eGlZl6CKqj3dGOXTB2-x1HB_7PDgrq9ToiMCN7cGL09e3cM7ZCecS-fXPz0IOuqqd3f2cVuQTsAICgPrAlncvwhhD5K_8dWONrGoEqy4lAvFIb9WXWS0QiAEnv4EZihi9fU/s640/blogger-image-498945479.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4h7XCbO08eGlZl6CKqj3dGOXTB2-x1HB_7PDgrq9ToiMCN7cGL09e3cM7ZCecS-fXPz0IOuqqd3f2cVuQTsAICgPrAlncvwhhD5K_8dWONrGoEqy4lAvFIb9WXWS0QiAEnv4EZihi9fU/s640/blogger-image-498945479.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2QSnN_DostODP9HSn8JBjruifdtSP40AhEd8K1W-Lj9pV3JZj-wxA3XVEEJkbhhEq4TmZ5AKdr2vKAykL3SVmAO-iDP9NDIl7NEejIBUVYSZ_otWTs_l5_to2HCdffFPsJdFz2cEm_7A/s640/blogger-image-1862257433.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2QSnN_DostODP9HSn8JBjruifdtSP40AhEd8K1W-Lj9pV3JZj-wxA3XVEEJkbhhEq4TmZ5AKdr2vKAykL3SVmAO-iDP9NDIl7NEejIBUVYSZ_otWTs_l5_to2HCdffFPsJdFz2cEm_7A/s640/blogger-image-1862257433.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLPwdLmUxsLdy1r91-cPVeeE2m06Qkb_NtZTrRQ9g41MdlQjAg27oM0goi0XACuaN8DpeOz12LtpNaA9tT4sgJ3XRJRwTluia-CqDKmTMwLUqW7otuiA5Wdg8mc5I0NM8kJF731RUrYuQ/s640/blogger-image--1190168083.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLPwdLmUxsLdy1r91-cPVeeE2m06Qkb_NtZTrRQ9g41MdlQjAg27oM0goi0XACuaN8DpeOz12LtpNaA9tT4sgJ3XRJRwTluia-CqDKmTMwLUqW7otuiA5Wdg8mc5I0NM8kJF731RUrYuQ/s640/blogger-image--1190168083.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-64887339595847267032013-01-24T04:05:00.001-08:002013-01-24T04:05:31.846-08:00I stare at you still.I stare at you still, I watch your perfect face in a sweet slumber listening to your breath., my favorite noise. You are so perfect. You are healthy. You are ours and I love you so much. I can't believe that we made you, that I grew you, that you came from my body, from your dad and me. You are life's great perfection, all parts of you, I am so grateful and so incredibly tired, even so incredibly tired, I can't help but marvel in all that you are and all that you will be. You light up the broken cracks in my heart. The cracks placed there in the loss of your sister, the cracks waiting to shine in the darkness, you brought the light.<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-hmMTg5OnwzVPMjm6y_BWZoedR-cdAjn4BRtftGgQ6AxYc81Cps_GfXxuzIzPr5PA-ndGYMiJwU6ycNtwKiH6oseENTWiXMAnHX6PJgEyMrzoqukersY6SAMl8isjNi44JdgxTwsJ_78/s640/blogger-image--972683224.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-hmMTg5OnwzVPMjm6y_BWZoedR-cdAjn4BRtftGgQ6AxYc81Cps_GfXxuzIzPr5PA-ndGYMiJwU6ycNtwKiH6oseENTWiXMAnHX6PJgEyMrzoqukersY6SAMl8isjNi44JdgxTwsJ_78/s640/blogger-image--972683224.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-81284836286193864252012-12-25T07:34:00.001-08:002012-12-25T07:35:34.108-08:00Merry Christmas my sweet babies.I got the greatest gift (again) this year. Baby Reid is the light living in my life. He warms my heart with his sweet smile, his pure temperament, his loving need to be close to his mama. My heart is full with love for and from him, such a beautiful gift in our life. This year feels so different than last and I know it's because of him.<br />
<br />
I miss Ruthie Lou so much and feeling the joy for him also feels the continuous presence of loss. People have commented on how it must be easier now that Reid is here. I don't even try to explain to them, how could I? Easier? As far as Ruthie Lou is concerned, it is not Reid's job to heal us. I don't know that losing part of your heart ever gets EASIER. It feels different, it feels more distant at times but I don't think it gets easier. My heart still aches for her every single day. <br />
<br />
As I put Reid's ornaments on the tree and I can see the radiating love and joy in his pictures, it makes me long to have a "baby's first Christmas" ornament for Ruthie Lou, too. Her ornaments hung on the tree, beautiful pictures of her peacefully sleeping, I wish we had her here with us, ornaments hung next to the boisterous Reid. <br />
It's an odd thing to carry such conflicting emotions of joy and pain, I hold them together, light and dark. I focus on the moment as much as possible, only allowing the heartache to sit sideline to the beauty that is here now, the love we are able to give and receive from our boy. I have to remind myself that this is what Ruthie Lou would want for us. She was and is so full of unselfish love, she brought so much love into my heart, love I never knew existed. I am better because of her, a better mama to Reid, wife to Chris, friend and family member. She made me who I am now and for that I am so grateful. She did such a big job in such little time, I owe it to her to make it worthwhile, to live lovingly and thoughtfully each day, not only Christmas, so that her life is not in vain. I live for her. I live for Reid now, too.<br />
<br />
Today, I will stay present. This life is a gift. Ruthie Lou, Reid are such gifts to Chris and me. This is not what we would have chosen, if we had a choice in this life but we must have chosen this at some point. I trust that this life is beautiful, I believe in the magic that surrounds us, I have to. I would be a crazy lady if not. I would probably not be here still if not. Instead, I believe. I believe in miracles, the miracle that Ruthie Lou was to us, her strong fighting body carrying her to us, showing us the love and light of this life and leaving as quick as she came. Her presence showing us that love is eternal and lives beyond this life. And Reid. Showing us that love and light can still exist in this world in the midst of pain and loss, too.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas my sweet babies. I imagine you know one another and will forever be connected in ways that we'll never know. Today, I celebrate our love for both of you.. Each smile for Reid is doubled because I am also smiling for you, Ruthie Lou.<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_yEojGpXqqlgYh8ag91dbfzxjLopLMfeIjJ6LN-VMV_TxVGVblURKwAcVk-vhY0JpEVeWVaGgzF1XpAyLC5z_bnFKO1w0Tfc5q6T1Wnmjtv2YH9JPxi882Gvxrs8JCK_QBSfZjb8elW4/s640/blogger-image-2133783268.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_yEojGpXqqlgYh8ag91dbfzxjLopLMfeIjJ6LN-VMV_TxVGVblURKwAcVk-vhY0JpEVeWVaGgzF1XpAyLC5z_bnFKO1w0Tfc5q6T1Wnmjtv2YH9JPxi882Gvxrs8JCK_QBSfZjb8elW4/s640/blogger-image-2133783268.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6B-129mqgFD8TMmgsQFvBNr3S2duxx67HeyKtI2Rox50ZwsROmfMI5bOnv1OPlXAcOpy9dJ1Rbk778j9aGS2ftAJobs_IodkOKEFafJ1tPEhMcvJARNrGlj11dJuTlBGqXr8X21V7r0/s640/blogger-image--151658011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6B-129mqgFD8TMmgsQFvBNr3S2duxx67HeyKtI2Rox50ZwsROmfMI5bOnv1OPlXAcOpy9dJ1Rbk778j9aGS2ftAJobs_IodkOKEFafJ1tPEhMcvJARNrGlj11dJuTlBGqXr8X21V7r0/s640/blogger-image--151658011.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-47625469646135829402012-12-16T13:59:00.001-08:002012-12-17T22:35:03.705-08:00Sandy Hook and Holiday CardsI had anxiety the other night, in fact I have had anxiety for several days without knowing why. Then it hit me, the Holiday Cards. How do I sign our holiday cards? What do I write for our family? <br />
<br />
The Lands Family? I could write our names as a whole and not acknowledge our names individually, that would sum is up. <br />
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Chris, Amie, Ruthie Lou, Reid? I could include ALL our names, this IS my family. <br />
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Chris, Amie, Reid? I could write our three names because that's who remains living. <br />
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I had anxiety nearly a week thinking about the damn holiday cards, the ones I wish Ruthie Lou were pictured with us...more than just a ladybug. I went with my heart, I went with what felt right. Chris, Amie, Ruthie Lou, Reid. THIS is my family, will forever be my family. Including Ruthie Lou's name does not mean I am pretending she's alive, I am not trying to "force" her on anyone but when I think of my family, we are a family of four. I could never NOT include her name. And just as all parent's write their children's name on behalf of them on their Holiday (or whatever) cards, I will do the same. I am writing on behalf of Reid and on behalf of Ruthie Lou, my children. <br />
<br />
The next morning I woke up anxiety dissipated, having made a decision only to see the news: Sandy Hook Elementary. I am teacher, responsible for the safety of almost 30 students, other people's children every single day. I am a parent, a parent whose first child passed away. The anxiety returned. I cannot watch the news, I cannot speak of the horrendous acts bestowed by a very very sick man. I cannot feel the pain of those families, because I know it all too well. I feel it every day and it's terrifying.<br />
<br />
My heart aches and aches and aches for them. My first thought was that those poor families had no notice that they're morning good bye would be their last. They were not holding their child as they died. I hate to think that we were given blessings in Ruthie Lou's death but I would be lying if I said we weren't. We KNEW she would die, we were given three weeks notice. We KNEW to treasure and value each moment, each milestone, each day we woke to see her beautiful face. And we held her as she left her earthly body. My biggest fear in her death was that it would be in her sleep as many of us think we would want for ourselves. Maybe so, but not for my child. I wanted her to feel the safety, the love and our warmth, that she was not alone and we were not afraid to be there for her in every moment of her life and in the moment we were expected to release her to the next place, after this life. This choice was stolen for the Sandy Hook parents. The thoughts of those children crying for their parents haunts me. <br />
<br />
I could not decide how to write our names on a holiday card hours before TWENTY PARENTS joined the worst club of all. The Child Loss Parent Club. Nobody wants to be part of this club, especially those of us here. I cannot think of this too tragedy long, it is too real and too heavy for my brain, too new still and brings up too much as I'm sure many parents feel the same about our family. Even when you have lost your own child, you still don't want to imagine it for anyone else because there is nothing worse to imagine in this life. Every year, those parents will have to decide how to sign a damn holiday card; will I offend anyone, am I pretending she (he) is alive, am I grieving "correctly", are people judging me? <br />
<br />
I hate this club. My heart is broken. Again.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAdhLZdnbe83-3NgJh9Y564gIyDHnw53yDh62UuULDpGE0e5i_Jyri9_CRyia82b8JdxOdF9MWUFoxDLOmAdmeR0XMqvgQiy9waRBSP3a9AR4nO4fvjuF7ZFWrgmEuH1TMEZesVmpxP3c/s640/blogger-image--2125292564.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAdhLZdnbe83-3NgJh9Y564gIyDHnw53yDh62UuULDpGE0e5i_Jyri9_CRyia82b8JdxOdF9MWUFoxDLOmAdmeR0XMqvgQiy9waRBSP3a9AR4nO4fvjuF7ZFWrgmEuH1TMEZesVmpxP3c/s640/blogger-image--2125292564.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-56794978668704747842012-12-09T03:27:00.001-08:002012-12-17T22:34:33.426-08:00Happy (33rd) Birthday, Dad!This is the first time in three years that we've celebrated dad's (Chris's 33rd) birthday, the first of many years to come, I hope. Last year, we were mourning Ruthie Lou, therefore no birthdays were spoke of and the year before, our miscarriage, heartbroken, not knowing Ruthie Lou had just been conceived. She was there, but not known of yet. Today was a sweet day, for Chris too, I hope. We didn't celebrate my birthday too much, our hearts too heavy with grief, although we did try and succeeded, having a heart warming day. Today felt so much lighter, good, even. I gave gifts from Reid and Ruthie Lou, as mamas do; slippers, a Pinterest idea of a canvas photo, and sift cupcakes, like we do. I even got him a soccer game for his Xbox that's been sitting in the garage untouched, hoping for some lighthearted fun on a day that's been dread the last two years, a day to be happy. It worked, I think.<br />
<br />
In the midst of that while Chris was at the gym, preparing his heart, mind and body for his day, my parents came by. They held Reid while I sewed and dad shared the sweetest story of grandma Ruth, which could have been the words of our sweet Ruthie Lou, perhaps they were. When my aunts, uncles and dad were young they begged for a pool. Upon receiving their greatest desire, the men came and built their pool, complete with tile edges. As they paid the last installment, when gram handed the check, the worker said they would be back to correct a tile that was misplaced, so the pool would be perfect. Gram said, "Oh no, you won't. If you did, the pool would be perfect and NOTHING in life is perfect." So they didn't. And NOTHING in life IS perfect, yet life is still beautiful. Even amongst heartache, loss and sadness, beauty remains and loving stories reminding us of our sweetest girl & the gram we love so much touch us still. On a day that we could use some extra love, it was provided.<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlAxtFZsrk_XjRwggeY76_d12PHrdz6DuJ3orHmg3B9q_B9UrPjDDnlL7SbOndzoM4psAJri-FzB4xO_Os0cytp282LfzTghXZrFhPzhQ5wjOFU8XWm4hZRwnT4RAH7yJONrivs5HCz_Y/s640/blogger-image--1022015971.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlAxtFZsrk_XjRwggeY76_d12PHrdz6DuJ3orHmg3B9q_B9UrPjDDnlL7SbOndzoM4psAJri-FzB4xO_Os0cytp282LfzTghXZrFhPzhQ5wjOFU8XWm4hZRwnT4RAH7yJONrivs5HCz_Y/s640/blogger-image--1022015971.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-21917248054116676772012-12-05T22:12:00.001-08:002012-12-05T22:12:11.432-08:00Late night thoughtsI am out of sorts. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, uncertain, disconnected. And all this after a good nights sleep. Maybe that's the problem!<br />
<br />
I miss my girl. Will this ever change?! I hope not. I hope my love for her always feels as fresh as it does now, as it did last year, as it did the moment we knew she was there two years ago.<br />
<br />
We were eating nachos that night. The night I had walking pneumonia. The night the nurse asked me if I was pregnant and I said I don't think so. Why didn't she give me a test? We were eating the nachos that I so desperately needed when I thought that was the most appropriate time to find out if we were to be pregnant. Again. <br />
<br />
And I was. Pregnant. Again. And then I continued to eat my nachos. And cry. And be scared. And love my sweet Ruthie Lou more than I could ever begin to know. The night we were eating those nachos changed my life forever.<br />
<br />
And I miss her. I will always miss her.<br />
<br />
Nights that I feel like this I just want to wake Reid up and love him and kiss him and snuggle and sleep with him next to me, close to my body, hearts beating together as when he was in my belly. I love him so so so very much. I love him far more than I could ever imagine. Love knows no bounds and my love stretches beyond worlds for my sweet beautiful babies. <br />
<br />
I wish they were here together. I want to sleep just to dream that life. If only I slept long enough to dream......... <br />
<br />
Good night. AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-35013946123785778772012-12-04T07:19:00.001-08:002012-12-04T17:48:08.150-08:00Precious moments...Reid is laying in the nook of my body from my chest to my legs and it feels so good. His little body fits perfect in mine. After we change him in the early hours of the morning he snuggles in bed with me and falls back to sleep without protest, so content to feel the warmth of my body and hear the beating of my heart next to his, such a beautiful moment. I wish it could last forever. I treasure the moments laying in bed with this boy, I'm reminded of that time with his sister, my favorite time of day snuggling together listening to the sound of each breath, wanting it to last forever. I wish all these moments could be bottled up and saved forever....<br />
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AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-73897748209001054262012-11-10T08:44:00.001-08:002012-11-10T08:45:15.021-08:00Light of my LifeMy life is now balanced between things I can do while Reid is asleep and things I can multi task while he is awake. One of my greatest characteristics is my ability to multitask, now I get to practice my craft at its finest. I love when Reid is awake, that smile melting my heart, but when he's asleep I get to write....writing, my favorite pastime, my therapy. I haven't been able to do much of it lately, as I write now I can see him squirming on the monitor, not crying, just squirming wondering if anyone else is awake yet, too. He woke me up an hour ago to feed then fell quickly back to sleep as I snuck out the room to clean, do dishes, remember to feed the dog!<br />
<br />
I miss writing and the release it gives, the act of taking the thoughts of my head and putting them to paper is so relieving. I thought I would write a book someday, several books, children's books about life and death, adult books about the journey this life has taken. I still might. The book is already written, it's just stuck inside my head.<br />
<br />
For now, my priority is this boy, the squirming one. My happy boy who fills my heart even on my darkest moment, the memory of his sister aching in my heart, this boy is the light of my life. It is certainly not his job and I tell him all the time but he brings joy back into my heart.<br />
<br />
And he's calling me right now.....AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-1219527681654083532012-11-01T05:10:00.001-07:002012-11-01T05:10:35.923-07:00Another Year of FirstsNovember 1<br />
<br />
This Halloween felt very surreal. Once again a year has passed and marked a very monumental day for me. Last Halloween was the first of the holidays that I would spend without my sweet girl. It was the day that my husband returned to work. It was the first step of resuming our life, the life we didn't have the choice in but had to continue living. <br />
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I felt alone, forgotten. It did not stand out to anyone that Halloween would be hard. Or maybe it did but they didn't reach out. As dusk fell and the children started entering the streets adorned in their superhero garb, princess dresses and otherwise chosen apparel, my heart raced and panic set in. I did the only thing I have learned and put one foot in front of the other which led me to my nieces house, her first Halloween as a toddler, able to walk to the doorsteps of neighbors trick or treating. I didn't plan on staying, I didn't think I could handle it but as I tried to leave she wouldn't let me and the child who never cried even when her own parents would leave, cried and begged me to stay. She knew my heart was broken, she knew I needed love and in no way that a toddler could know, she saved me that night. She gave me the love to hold in my arms that I couldn't hold my baby girl that night. She was a my little love, that sweet little Lexi.<br />
<br />
See last Halloween even though Ruthie Lou would have only been 11 weeks, just two weeks older than sweet Reid is this year, she was an old soul to me. She was every kid I saw walking down the street that night. She was all the things those children get to do with their parents, all the things I had lost. She was first holidays, first teeth and long sleepless nights. She was long snuggles and kindergarten and being a big sister. She was a teenager, independent and graduating high school, a young adult, going to college, falling in love getting married and having a family of her own. She was our child, our first love, our hopes and our dreams. She was a real person who we had loved, cherished, planned for and lost and would never experience these things. Our child died, our future died, a part of my heart died when she did. Halloween was hard last year. So hard.<br />
<br />
As this year came, Halloween held different and all the same meaning. It was not the first year of loss, we were experienced at these days now. This year was Reid's year of firsts, his year to experience life in our family, our year to be a family. I loved Halloween this year, waking up to him, knowing it was his first of so many holidays to come. He wore the bumblebee costume I had stored away, waiting for its owner. I got to post the ridiculous picture of him online for friends and family to see. We were invited to celebrate the day with friends, dinner and trick or treating. And with all things true Ruthie Lou style, the day was not perfect, it rained and we couldn't do what I had hoped; pumpkin patch, hayrides and pictures, but it was perfect nonetheless. <br />
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As I walked in the rain, my sweet baby Reid bundled to my chest, watching the children run from house to house collecting their goods, I am so thankful for this life. I am so heartbroken for Ruthie Lou, I don't imagine that that will ever ever change, I miss her so incredibly much. I am so in love with Reid, I feel such pure joy when I look into his eyes, as I watch him observe and experience life around him. <br />
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Halloween was perfectly imperfect this year, just as Ruthie Lou planned, I wish she was here to enjoy it with us. What a year.<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4sGQSXp1p34eBXglS5UWX0IUPw0dyLcMxz7FhqYrlP5t1BaZV_3fiH3UYjjonx59jPislsniWlihyphenhyphenU5-g9oSpE7IFB-sKHZOe1bKTL1SYBsA_dFWUiOf11TxIX-Vxn6zbOKoLr1CAWXc/s640/blogger-image--1145949594.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4sGQSXp1p34eBXglS5UWX0IUPw0dyLcMxz7FhqYrlP5t1BaZV_3fiH3UYjjonx59jPislsniWlihyphenhyphenU5-g9oSpE7IFB-sKHZOe1bKTL1SYBsA_dFWUiOf11TxIX-Vxn6zbOKoLr1CAWXc/s640/blogger-image--1145949594.jpg" /></a></div>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-67512368745514577332012-10-20T23:23:00.001-07:002012-10-20T23:23:50.169-07:00Lost.I love my boy so much. Beyond words.<br />
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I love his sister beyond words.<br />
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My heart aches for her, feels lost without her.<br />
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I don't know when that will feel any different. I don't know if it ever does.AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950103828639791800.post-20263593644483823582012-10-06T14:57:00.002-07:002012-10-06T14:59:03.204-07:00And still there is LOVE.<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Chris and I celebrated our love, this day 5 years ago. This day last year we sat below the heavens and celebrated our girl. Today we are living in love with our boy. What a life we chose; love, loss, sorrow and joy. I love you Chris, Ruthie Lou & Reid. You are my heart you are my world. This story warmed my heart today:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this- it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer- to unlock this love- to create this miracle for the good of all humanity.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; Let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you." God and the brave soul shared a smile and then embraced.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In parting God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel like you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to shoe their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith- many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">John Alessi</span>AmieLandshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06413742245204078978noreply@blogger.com0