Late night thoughts

I am out of sorts. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, uncertain, disconnected. And all this after a good nights sleep. Maybe that's the problem!

I miss my girl. Will this ever change?! I hope not. I hope my love for her always feels as fresh as it does now, as it did last year, as it did the moment we knew she was there two years ago.

We were eating nachos that night. The night I had walking pneumonia. The night the nurse asked me if I was pregnant and I said I don't think so. Why didn't she give me a test? We were eating the nachos that I so desperately needed when I thought that was the most appropriate time to find out if we were to be pregnant. Again.

And I was. Pregnant. Again. And then I continued to eat my nachos. And cry. And be scared. And love my sweet Ruthie Lou more than I could ever begin to know. The night we were eating those nachos changed my life forever.

And I miss her. I will always miss her.

Nights that I feel like this I just want to wake Reid up and love him and kiss him and snuggle and sleep with him next to me, close to my body, hearts beating together as when he was in my belly. I love him so so so very much. I love him far more than I could ever imagine. Love knows no bounds and my love stretches beyond worlds for my sweet beautiful babies.

I wish they were here together. I want to sleep just to dream that life. If only I slept long enough to dream.........

Good night.

Precious moments...

Reid is laying in the nook of my body from my chest to my legs and it feels so good. His little body fits perfect in mine. After we change him in the early hours of the morning he snuggles in bed with me and falls back to sleep without protest, so content to feel the warmth of my body and hear the beating of my heart next to his, such a beautiful moment. I wish it could last forever. I treasure the moments laying in bed with this boy, I'm reminded of that time with his sister, my favorite time of day snuggling together listening to the sound of each breath, wanting it to last forever. I wish all these moments could be bottled up and saved forever....

Light of my Life

My life is now balanced between things I can do while Reid is asleep and things I can multi task while he is awake. One of my greatest characteristics is my ability to multitask, now I get to practice my craft at its finest. I love when Reid is awake, that smile melting my heart, but when he's asleep I get to write....writing, my favorite pastime, my therapy. I haven't been able to do much of it lately, as I write now I can see him squirming on the monitor, not crying, just squirming wondering if anyone else is awake yet, too. He woke me up an hour ago to feed then fell quickly back to sleep as I snuck out the room to clean, do dishes, remember to feed the dog!

I miss writing and the release it gives, the act of taking the thoughts of my head and putting them to paper is so relieving. I thought I would write a book someday, several books, children's books about life and death, adult books about the journey this life has taken. I still might. The book is already written, it's just stuck inside my head.

For now, my priority is this boy, the squirming one. My happy boy who fills my heart even on my darkest moment, the memory of his sister aching in my heart, this boy is the light of my life. It is certainly not his job and I tell him all the time but he brings joy back into my heart.

And he's calling me right now.....

Another Year of Firsts

November 1

This Halloween felt very surreal. Once again a year has passed and marked a very monumental day for me. Last Halloween was the first of the holidays that I would spend without my sweet girl. It was the day that my husband returned to work. It was the first step of resuming our life, the life we didn't have the choice in but had to continue living.

I felt alone, forgotten. It did not stand out to anyone that Halloween would be hard. Or maybe it did but they didn't reach out. As dusk fell and the children started entering the streets adorned in their superhero garb, princess dresses and otherwise chosen apparel, my heart raced and panic set in. I did the only thing I have learned and put one foot in front of the other which led me to my nieces house, her first Halloween as a toddler, able to walk to the doorsteps of neighbors trick or treating. I didn't plan on staying, I didn't think I could handle it but as I tried to leave she wouldn't let me and the child who never cried even when her own parents would leave, cried and begged me to stay. She knew my heart was broken, she knew I needed love and in no way that a toddler could know, she saved me that night. She gave me the love to hold in my arms that I couldn't hold my baby girl that night. She was a my little love, that sweet little Lexi.

See last Halloween even though Ruthie Lou would have only been 11 weeks, just two weeks older than sweet Reid is this year, she was an old soul to me. She was every kid I saw walking down the street that night. She was all the things those children get to do with their parents, all the things I had lost. She was first holidays, first teeth and long sleepless nights. She was long snuggles and kindergarten and being a big sister. She was a teenager, independent and graduating high school, a young adult, going to college, falling in love getting married and having a family of her own. She was our child, our first love, our hopes and our dreams. She was a real person who we had loved, cherished, planned for and lost and would never experience these things. Our child died, our future died, a part of my heart died when she did. Halloween was hard last year. So hard.

As this year came, Halloween held different and all the same meaning. It was not the first year of loss, we were experienced at these days now. This year was Reid's year of firsts, his year to experience life in our family, our year to be a family. I loved Halloween this year, waking up to him, knowing it was his first of so many holidays to come. He wore the bumblebee costume I had stored away, waiting for its owner. I got to post the ridiculous picture of him online for friends and family to see. We were invited to celebrate the day with friends, dinner and trick or treating. And with all things true Ruthie Lou style, the day was not perfect, it rained and we couldn't do what I had hoped; pumpkin patch, hayrides and pictures, but it was perfect nonetheless.

As I walked in the rain, my sweet baby Reid bundled to my chest, watching the children run from house to house collecting their goods, I am so thankful for this life. I am so heartbroken for Ruthie Lou, I don't imagine that that will ever ever change, I miss her so incredibly much. I am so in love with Reid, I feel such pure joy when I look into his eyes, as I watch him observe and experience life around him.

Halloween was perfectly imperfect this year, just as Ruthie Lou planned, I wish she was here to enjoy it with us. What a year.

Lost.

I love my boy so much. Beyond words.

I love his sister beyond words.

My heart aches for her, feels lost without her.

I don't know when that will feel any different. I don't know if it ever does.

And still there is LOVE.

Chris and I celebrated our love, this day 5 years ago. This day last year we sat below the heavens and celebrated our girl. Today we are living in love with our boy. What a life we chose; love, loss, sorrow and joy. I love you Chris, Ruthie Lou & Reid. You are my heart you are my world. This story warmed my heart today:

"Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this- it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer- to unlock this love- to create this miracle for the good of all humanity.

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; Let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you." God and the brave soul shared a smile and then embraced.

In parting God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel like you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to shoe their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith- many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."

John Alessi

Welcome Fall.....

I spend my days with a baby in my arms, the life I wished for for my entire lifetime. This, in the midst of Ruthie Lou's year and in the middle of her first "month". My heart is full, my days are full, my arms are full. I wish I can write more, I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but the days just pass so quickly. It's amazing how something so small who needs so little, boobs, diapers, and lots of love can take up so much time, all my time! I stare at him all day. I feel like last year is so far away now. There are moments I feel so distant from Ruthie Lou and then there are moments where I am looking at ruthie Lou's twin. I have two children. I birthed two children. I carried two children. Sometimes I have to tell myself this over and over and over. It feels like someone else's life. Sometimes I can pretend I am a first time mom and I have this beautiful baby boy but in an instant I know my heart is missing my first tue love, her spot will never be filled in this lifetime. I miss her so much. Our life would be so different if she were here. Perhaps we wouldn't have Reid. I couldn't imagine my life without Reid......

First birthdays are rolling around. How do I feel about this? I am not sure.......I love those babies so much. In that regard, I am so full of joy to watch them grow. I also find myself in these fleeting moments in a room full of people and children, wondering who my girl would be at one years old. I find myself slipping away in my mind, outside the party and missing her so badly. What would our life have been like right now...we will never know.

I am excited for October, I am excited for Fall. Halloween, changing of seasons, end of the sunshine welcoming the darkness. Warm food, cinnamon and nutmeg. Dia de Los muertos and celebrating the dead. Infant loss and remembrance days. I love October. And all the while, my boy will be in my arms reminding me of the living as well....