And so it begins... Ruthie Lou's Month.

It was a Sunday two years ago on August 7th, a typical summer night. I was tired, swollen, living barefoot and pregnant & loving life at 37 weeks 3 days. I called the nurse who advised me to stay hydrated drinking watermelon and cucumber juicees. I skipped the horse races for the first year ever because I could not imagine walking the hot pavement at the fairgrounds. I decided it was time to write my three months of sub plans since my baby would be arriving soon, there was much planning to do. On that very same night I had no idea that "tomorrow" would be the day that I joyfully & excitedly would go into labor with the sweetest baby girl. I had no idea that those moments would be forever ingrained in my head, setting the first domino in motion that would change my life. Forever. 

And so it begins...Ruthie Lou's month...

There is only love

I wrote this in early 2011, shortly after the transition of a most beautiful woman, sister, daughter of our friend(s) which was months before Ruthie Lou arrived but while she was in my belly. I was overwhelmed with pain, sadness & disbelief at the loss of such a unique soul yet somehow had this glimpse into what my God is, what life is because of her life. I have reflected on this piece so many times as I have walked this journey of two years. It amazes me tha I had the insight to write this without having any idea the turn my life would soon take. It's moments like this that solidify my faith of "what is"...

"I believe in a God that is loving. 

 

I believe that our human experience is only one small part in the life of our soul and it does not begin nor end on the day of our birth or death. 

 

I believe that our human life is short.  Often times shorter than we could ever imagine.  It is my own personal responsibility to live and love in a way that everyday I am spiritually fulfilled and proud of who I am and who I am eternally becoming.

 

I believe that people make daily choices in their life.  From the moment I wake until I lay my head back on my pillow at night, my choices should be well thought out and only made with good intentions.  

 

I believe that we are responsible only for oursleves. I can only control my own actions and reactions to experiences and events in my life. 

 

I believe that all people are beautiful, pure and have good intentions.  I make mistakes but am clear to always learn the lesson and try better next time.

 

I believe that very unfortunate things happen to very good people everyday without reasons known to us.  Everyday I have the gift of choice of what I will learn from my experiences and how I will respond to lifes greatest as wells as most unfortunate events.

 

 My God is pure, loving, accepting and warm.  There is only love."

-2011

Two years later I am more certain than ever, there is only love. All my love to you, wherever you are on your own journey.

 

 

One year, ten months.

That's how old you would have been today.

Every month that thought, as the number continues to grow, in an instant brings me to my knees. 

One year, nine months....

since you left my arms 33 days later. I had no choice other than setting you free. I had to let you go but let's be clear,  I didn't want to.

The days keep moving. And moving. And moving.

I love this life. I love my baby Reid. 

and in the same breath

I miss my Ruthie Lou, my sweet precious girl. My heart forever breaks for you. Sometimes I am pretty sure I don't have any idea just how much I am really broken from losing you. 

While I absolutely, hands down, no questions asked, love THIS life, I equally HATE that my daughter is not here to share it with us in the way I planned her to be. 

I am a mama to two children who I will forever love more than life itself.

Elementary School Talent Show

The elementary school talent show.  That's where my heart fell to pieces today. The violinist stood on stage, all 4 feet of her. Her straight bob hair with the violin in her hand she prepared to play and her dad so lovingly set up her stage, music stand, microphone, chair to sit. It was beautiful. The violin floated across our 50 year old MPR amongst the sounds of the piano her father played. In this simple act of dad and while listening to their song, I lost my cool, I totally lost my shit. Maybe externally I held it together, maybe to those far enough away that they couldn't see the whites of my eyes turn red, welling with tears. 

I miss our girl. I miss all of her, the parts we got to hold and love and cherish and the parts that we will never get. The talent shows, the school days, goodnight kisses, morning snuggles, chasing her around the house as we do her brother. And that only touches a portion of it. Kindergarten, promotion ceremonies, sports, teenage arguments, drivers license, dating, wedding day, pregnancy, grand babies...

I can never predict when or how hard these moments hit. The elementary school talent show made me lose my shit today. I miss our girl, I miss you Ruthie Lou every day still.

Our hearts live here...

It has been nearly 8 months since Ruthie Lou's "year", since we have completed her caringbridge website and began our life with her little brother Reid. "Grief is a process, not an event", these words still hang on our fridge today.  We have chosen to LIVE through our grief, to LIVE because of the love that we will forever have for the girl that made us a family, who enriched our hearts, changed our lives and made us better people. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being our lifeline of support when we needed it most, we are eternally grateful for the love and support you have selflessly given  to us. 

So much has changed in the past eight months yet so much remains the same as life has moved forward and we have began this new path.  We are so in love with Reid and are really enjoying our life with him.  He has re-opened a place in our hearts that we thought could never return. We are so grateful.  While joy is ever so present when we look at the face of our boy, grief is a process that remains today as we live a life without his sister.

As time has moved forward, we continue to be blessed with so much love and support from family, friends and the staff at the George Mark Children's House.  Just about every other week, we pack up the car with baby Reid in tow and visit "sister's house" for counseling. We look forward to this trip every single time. Even though our life with Ruthie Lou in our arms has passed, the support from her house continues to be present. Our fondest memories with Ruthie Lou are at GMCH and we are so appreciative to continue to be part of the family there.  While money could never "repay" them for the time we had as a family that was priceless, the only way we can give back for their generosity is to pay it forward to other families that need the services of the gift that is George Mark.

So, once again our family (and any friends interested) will be participating in Sonoma County's Human Race on Saturday, May 11th, a 10k/3k walk/run, to help raise money for the George Mark Children's House.  We ask that if you are so inclined, please support us in this event and donate to a cause that will forever be so dear to our hearts.  Every dollar donated makes a difference no matter the amount. Last year we were able to surpass our goal of $500 and raised nearly $2,000 for the George Mark Children's House and we hope to surpass our goal once again this year!

Please visit http://www.humanracenow.org/goto/ruthieloucrew and consider making a tax deductible donation to the George Mark Children's House in honor of Ruthie Lou, or any other child you have loved that has left us far too soon.  Your contribution will allow other families the opportunity and gift of time that our family was so graciously granted in the most desperate, heart wrenching yet beautiful time in our life, our life with Ruthie Lou.  

Thank you again and again and again.

Moving Forward, Moving On...

One of the hardest things to hear soon after Ruthie Lou left us was the words, "moving on".  It brought up such anger that anyone could think that some day I would "move on" from my daughter, would you ever "move on" from your living children?  Then why would I move on from my child who has left me....?

I have found that I am in a place of "moving forward", it feels so much different than moving on. Moving on feels devastating, like we will forget her, we are leaving her, we are moving to another place without her and that will never be the case.  Moving forward feels like life is continuing forward with her by our side and in our hearts, where she will always reside whether spoken aloud or not.

Life gets busy.  Real life beckons my return.  Work, bills, being a mama, wife, friend and a functioning member of society demand my presence and that is a hard to pill to swallow on some days. But on other days, the sunshine pours in our bedroom window and I am woken by the sweet smiles and laughter of a little boy, our rainbow baby, the rainbow after the storm. Somehow, it has gotten easier.  Somehow, life has moved forward and I am a part of this life that I had no choice in other than the choice to keep living.  I am so grateful that real life beckons me back because THAT is what my daughter would have wanted. She would have wanted us to move forward, loving life and living the best life possible.

So many gifts she left behind, so many lessons.  I miss my sweet girl each day and I am so grateful she taught me the true value of this life. I am forever changed. I am better because of her.

Stay tuned...

I have written my first children's book...!

I do my best thinking in the shower, don't you? As the hot water warms me and steam fills the bathroom, the house becomes quiet or at least in my mind it does. It is (usually) the only ten minutes of the day that I get to myself, no demands, no crying, no phone; texts, ringing, FB, or emails. It is the perfect time to think. My day start best clean, clean body, clean mind and a clean start to the day.

The other morning as I was in the shower rushing to get out the door for work, the baby slept in so I was alone in the bathroom and the water got me thinking...and writing in my head. Many times I am not able to write down my thoughts as they come to me (because I'm in the shower!) so I "write" then in my head hoping that they someday make it to my journal...and sometimes they actually do. But this morning as I was thinking, my mind started writing my book, not Ruthie Lou's book, as it has so many times before but my children's book which is also on my wish list of life. Now, Ruthie Lou's book is such a task to tackle because while I could (and have) written hundreds of pages for her, to her and about her; her actual book is a challenge I am not yet prepared to face...YET. It is still too soon to write her book for my heart.

So instead, my mind went to the small attainable goal of writing a book for children. And since I am surrounded by kids 24/7, the thoughts came as if placed from above...and I'm sure they were! I wrote my first children's book...in my head...while in the shower...along with an entire set of volumes to accompany it but this ONE, the first one, has actually made it to paper. With some tweaks here and there and a proof read from my (super sister) illustrator, this dream is beginning to come to fruition.

Stay tuned....