Lost.

I love my boy so much. Beyond words.

I love his sister beyond words.

My heart aches for her, feels lost without her.

I don't know when that will feel any different. I don't know if it ever does.

And still there is LOVE.

Chris and I celebrated our love, this day 5 years ago. This day last year we sat below the heavens and celebrated our girl. Today we are living in love with our boy. What a life we chose; love, loss, sorrow and joy. I love you Chris, Ruthie Lou & Reid. You are my heart you are my world. This story warmed my heart today:

"Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this- it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer- to unlock this love- to create this miracle for the good of all humanity.

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; Let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you." God and the brave soul shared a smile and then embraced.

In parting God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel like you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to shoe their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith- many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."

John Alessi

Welcome Fall.....

I spend my days with a baby in my arms, the life I wished for for my entire lifetime. This, in the midst of Ruthie Lou's year and in the middle of her first "month". My heart is full, my days are full, my arms are full. I wish I can write more, I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but the days just pass so quickly. It's amazing how something so small who needs so little, boobs, diapers, and lots of love can take up so much time, all my time! I stare at him all day. I feel like last year is so far away now. There are moments I feel so distant from Ruthie Lou and then there are moments where I am looking at ruthie Lou's twin. I have two children. I birthed two children. I carried two children. Sometimes I have to tell myself this over and over and over. It feels like someone else's life. Sometimes I can pretend I am a first time mom and I have this beautiful baby boy but in an instant I know my heart is missing my first tue love, her spot will never be filled in this lifetime. I miss her so much. Our life would be so different if she were here. Perhaps we wouldn't have Reid. I couldn't imagine my life without Reid......

First birthdays are rolling around. How do I feel about this? I am not sure.......I love those babies so much. In that regard, I am so full of joy to watch them grow. I also find myself in these fleeting moments in a room full of people and children, wondering who my girl would be at one years old. I find myself slipping away in my mind, outside the party and missing her so badly. What would our life have been like right now...we will never know.

I am excited for October, I am excited for Fall. Halloween, changing of seasons, end of the sunshine welcoming the darkness. Warm food, cinnamon and nutmeg. Dia de Los muertos and celebrating the dead. Infant loss and remembrance days. I love October. And all the while, my boy will be in my arms reminding me of the living as well....