Merry Christmas my sweet babies.

I got the greatest gift (again) this year. Baby Reid is the light living in my life. He warms my heart with his sweet smile, his pure temperament, his loving need to be close to his mama. My heart is full with love for and from him, such a beautiful gift in our life. This year feels so different than last and I know it's because of him.

I miss Ruthie Lou so much and feeling the joy for him also feels the continuous presence of loss. People have commented on how it must be easier now that Reid is here. I don't even try to explain to them, how could I? Easier? As far as Ruthie Lou is concerned, it is not Reid's job to heal us. I don't know that losing part of your heart ever gets EASIER. It feels different, it feels more distant at times but I don't think it gets easier. My heart still aches for her every single day.

As I put Reid's ornaments on the tree and I can see the radiating love and joy in his pictures, it makes me long to have a "baby's first Christmas" ornament for Ruthie Lou, too. Her ornaments hung on the tree, beautiful pictures of her peacefully sleeping, I wish we had her here with us, ornaments hung next to the boisterous Reid.
It's an odd thing to carry such conflicting emotions of joy and pain, I hold them together, light and dark. I focus on the moment as much as possible, only allowing the heartache to sit sideline to the beauty that is here now, the love we are able to give and receive from our boy. I have to remind myself that this is what Ruthie Lou would want for us. She was and is so full of unselfish love, she brought so much love into my heart, love I never knew existed. I am better because of her, a better mama to Reid, wife to Chris, friend and family member. She made me who I am now and for that I am so grateful. She did such a big job in such little time, I owe it to her to make it worthwhile, to live lovingly and thoughtfully each day, not only Christmas, so that her life is not in vain. I live for her. I live for Reid now, too.

Today, I will stay present. This life is a gift. Ruthie Lou, Reid are such gifts to Chris and me. This is not what we would have chosen, if we had a choice in this life but we must have chosen this at some point. I trust that this life is beautiful, I believe in the magic that surrounds us, I have to. I would be a crazy lady if not. I would probably not be here still if not. Instead, I believe. I believe in miracles, the miracle that Ruthie Lou was to us, her strong fighting body carrying her to us, showing us the love and light of this life and leaving as quick as she came. Her presence showing us that love is eternal and lives beyond this life. And Reid. Showing us that love and light can still exist in this world in the midst of pain and loss, too.

Merry Christmas my sweet babies. I imagine you know one another and will forever be connected in ways that we'll never know. Today, I celebrate our love for both of you.. Each smile for Reid is doubled because I am also smiling for you, Ruthie Lou.

Sandy Hook and Holiday Cards

I had anxiety the other night, in fact I have had anxiety for several days without knowing why. Then it hit me, the Holiday Cards. How do I sign our holiday cards? What do I write for our family?

The Lands Family? I could write our names as a whole and not acknowledge our names individually, that would sum is up.

Chris, Amie, Ruthie Lou, Reid? I could include ALL our names, this IS my family.

Chris, Amie, Reid? I could write our three names because that's who remains living.

I had anxiety nearly a week thinking about the damn holiday cards, the ones I wish Ruthie Lou were pictured with us...more than just a ladybug. I went with my heart, I went with what felt right. Chris, Amie, Ruthie Lou, Reid. THIS is my family, will forever be my family. Including Ruthie Lou's name does not mean I am pretending she's alive, I am not trying to "force" her on anyone but when I think of my family, we are a family of four. I could never NOT include her name. And just as all parent's write their children's name on behalf of them on their Holiday (or whatever) cards, I will do the same. I am writing on behalf of Reid and on behalf of Ruthie Lou, my children.

The next morning I woke up anxiety dissipated, having made a decision only to see the news: Sandy Hook Elementary. I am teacher, responsible for the safety of almost 30 students, other people's children every single day. I am a parent, a parent whose first child passed away. The anxiety returned. I cannot watch the news, I cannot speak of the horrendous acts bestowed by a very very sick man. I cannot feel the pain of those families, because I know it all too well. I feel it every day and it's terrifying.

My heart aches and aches and aches for them. My first thought was that those poor families had no notice that they're morning good bye would be their last. They were not holding their child as they died. I hate to think that we were given blessings in Ruthie Lou's death but I would be lying if I said we weren't. We KNEW she would die, we were given three weeks notice. We KNEW to treasure and value each moment, each milestone, each day we woke to see her beautiful face. And we held her as she left her earthly body. My biggest fear in her death was that it would be in her sleep as many of us think we would want for ourselves. Maybe so, but not for my child. I wanted her to feel the safety, the love and our warmth, that she was not alone and we were not afraid to be there for her in every moment of her life and in the moment we were expected to release her to the next place, after this life. This choice was stolen for the Sandy Hook parents. The thoughts of those children crying for their parents haunts me.

I could not decide how to write our names on a holiday card hours before TWENTY PARENTS joined the worst club of all. The Child Loss Parent Club. Nobody wants to be part of this club, especially those of us here. I cannot think of this too tragedy long, it is too real and too heavy for my brain, too new still and brings up too much as I'm sure many parents feel the same about our family. Even when you have lost your own child, you still don't want to imagine it for anyone else because there is nothing worse to imagine in this life. Every year, those parents will have to decide how to sign a damn holiday card; will I offend anyone, am I pretending she (he) is alive, am I grieving "correctly", are people judging me?

I hate this club. My heart is broken. Again.

Happy (33rd) Birthday, Dad!

This is the first time in three years that we've celebrated dad's (Chris's 33rd) birthday, the first of many years to come, I hope. Last year, we were mourning Ruthie Lou, therefore no birthdays were spoke of and the year before, our miscarriage, heartbroken, not knowing Ruthie Lou had just been conceived. She was there, but not known of yet. Today was a sweet day, for Chris too, I hope. We didn't celebrate my birthday too much, our hearts too heavy with grief, although we did try and succeeded, having a heart warming day. Today felt so much lighter, good, even. I gave gifts from Reid and Ruthie Lou, as mamas do; slippers, a Pinterest idea of a canvas photo, and sift cupcakes, like we do. I even got him a soccer game for his Xbox that's been sitting in the garage untouched, hoping for some lighthearted fun on a day that's been dread the last two years, a day to be happy. It worked, I think.

In the midst of that while Chris was at the gym, preparing his heart, mind and body for his day, my parents came by. They held Reid while I sewed and dad shared the sweetest story of grandma Ruth, which could have been the words of our sweet Ruthie Lou, perhaps they were. When my aunts, uncles and dad were young they begged for a pool. Upon receiving their greatest desire, the men came and built their pool, complete with tile edges. As they paid the last installment, when gram handed the check, the worker said they would be back to correct a tile that was misplaced, so the pool would be perfect. Gram said, "Oh no, you won't. If you did, the pool would be perfect and NOTHING in life is perfect." So they didn't. And NOTHING in life IS perfect, yet life is still beautiful. Even amongst heartache, loss and sadness, beauty remains and loving stories reminding us of our sweetest girl & the gram we love so much touch us still. On a day that we could use some extra love, it was provided.

Late night thoughts

I am out of sorts. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, uncertain, disconnected. And all this after a good nights sleep. Maybe that's the problem!

I miss my girl. Will this ever change?! I hope not. I hope my love for her always feels as fresh as it does now, as it did last year, as it did the moment we knew she was there two years ago.

We were eating nachos that night. The night I had walking pneumonia. The night the nurse asked me if I was pregnant and I said I don't think so. Why didn't she give me a test? We were eating the nachos that I so desperately needed when I thought that was the most appropriate time to find out if we were to be pregnant. Again.

And I was. Pregnant. Again. And then I continued to eat my nachos. And cry. And be scared. And love my sweet Ruthie Lou more than I could ever begin to know. The night we were eating those nachos changed my life forever.

And I miss her. I will always miss her.

Nights that I feel like this I just want to wake Reid up and love him and kiss him and snuggle and sleep with him next to me, close to my body, hearts beating together as when he was in my belly. I love him so so so very much. I love him far more than I could ever imagine. Love knows no bounds and my love stretches beyond worlds for my sweet beautiful babies.

I wish they were here together. I want to sleep just to dream that life. If only I slept long enough to dream.........

Good night.

Precious moments...

Reid is laying in the nook of my body from my chest to my legs and it feels so good. His little body fits perfect in mine. After we change him in the early hours of the morning he snuggles in bed with me and falls back to sleep without protest, so content to feel the warmth of my body and hear the beating of my heart next to his, such a beautiful moment. I wish it could last forever. I treasure the moments laying in bed with this boy, I'm reminded of that time with his sister, my favorite time of day snuggling together listening to the sound of each breath, wanting it to last forever. I wish all these moments could be bottled up and saved forever....

Light of my Life

My life is now balanced between things I can do while Reid is asleep and things I can multi task while he is awake. One of my greatest characteristics is my ability to multitask, now I get to practice my craft at its finest. I love when Reid is awake, that smile melting my heart, but when he's asleep I get to write....writing, my favorite pastime, my therapy. I haven't been able to do much of it lately, as I write now I can see him squirming on the monitor, not crying, just squirming wondering if anyone else is awake yet, too. He woke me up an hour ago to feed then fell quickly back to sleep as I snuck out the room to clean, do dishes, remember to feed the dog!

I miss writing and the release it gives, the act of taking the thoughts of my head and putting them to paper is so relieving. I thought I would write a book someday, several books, children's books about life and death, adult books about the journey this life has taken. I still might. The book is already written, it's just stuck inside my head.

For now, my priority is this boy, the squirming one. My happy boy who fills my heart even on my darkest moment, the memory of his sister aching in my heart, this boy is the light of my life. It is certainly not his job and I tell him all the time but he brings joy back into my heart.

And he's calling me right now.....

Another Year of Firsts

November 1

This Halloween felt very surreal. Once again a year has passed and marked a very monumental day for me. Last Halloween was the first of the holidays that I would spend without my sweet girl. It was the day that my husband returned to work. It was the first step of resuming our life, the life we didn't have the choice in but had to continue living.

I felt alone, forgotten. It did not stand out to anyone that Halloween would be hard. Or maybe it did but they didn't reach out. As dusk fell and the children started entering the streets adorned in their superhero garb, princess dresses and otherwise chosen apparel, my heart raced and panic set in. I did the only thing I have learned and put one foot in front of the other which led me to my nieces house, her first Halloween as a toddler, able to walk to the doorsteps of neighbors trick or treating. I didn't plan on staying, I didn't think I could handle it but as I tried to leave she wouldn't let me and the child who never cried even when her own parents would leave, cried and begged me to stay. She knew my heart was broken, she knew I needed love and in no way that a toddler could know, she saved me that night. She gave me the love to hold in my arms that I couldn't hold my baby girl that night. She was a my little love, that sweet little Lexi.

See last Halloween even though Ruthie Lou would have only been 11 weeks, just two weeks older than sweet Reid is this year, she was an old soul to me. She was every kid I saw walking down the street that night. She was all the things those children get to do with their parents, all the things I had lost. She was first holidays, first teeth and long sleepless nights. She was long snuggles and kindergarten and being a big sister. She was a teenager, independent and graduating high school, a young adult, going to college, falling in love getting married and having a family of her own. She was our child, our first love, our hopes and our dreams. She was a real person who we had loved, cherished, planned for and lost and would never experience these things. Our child died, our future died, a part of my heart died when she did. Halloween was hard last year. So hard.

As this year came, Halloween held different and all the same meaning. It was not the first year of loss, we were experienced at these days now. This year was Reid's year of firsts, his year to experience life in our family, our year to be a family. I loved Halloween this year, waking up to him, knowing it was his first of so many holidays to come. He wore the bumblebee costume I had stored away, waiting for its owner. I got to post the ridiculous picture of him online for friends and family to see. We were invited to celebrate the day with friends, dinner and trick or treating. And with all things true Ruthie Lou style, the day was not perfect, it rained and we couldn't do what I had hoped; pumpkin patch, hayrides and pictures, but it was perfect nonetheless.

As I walked in the rain, my sweet baby Reid bundled to my chest, watching the children run from house to house collecting their goods, I am so thankful for this life. I am so heartbroken for Ruthie Lou, I don't imagine that that will ever ever change, I miss her so incredibly much. I am so in love with Reid, I feel such pure joy when I look into his eyes, as I watch him observe and experience life around him.

Halloween was perfectly imperfect this year, just as Ruthie Lou planned, I wish she was here to enjoy it with us. What a year.

Lost.

I love my boy so much. Beyond words.

I love his sister beyond words.

My heart aches for her, feels lost without her.

I don't know when that will feel any different. I don't know if it ever does.

And still there is LOVE.

Chris and I celebrated our love, this day 5 years ago. This day last year we sat below the heavens and celebrated our girl. Today we are living in love with our boy. What a life we chose; love, loss, sorrow and joy. I love you Chris, Ruthie Lou & Reid. You are my heart you are my world. This story warmed my heart today:

"Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this- it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer- to unlock this love- to create this miracle for the good of all humanity.

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; Let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you." God and the brave soul shared a smile and then embraced.

In parting God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel like you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to shoe their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith- many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."

John Alessi

Welcome Fall.....

I spend my days with a baby in my arms, the life I wished for for my entire lifetime. This, in the midst of Ruthie Lou's year and in the middle of her first "month". My heart is full, my days are full, my arms are full. I wish I can write more, I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but the days just pass so quickly. It's amazing how something so small who needs so little, boobs, diapers, and lots of love can take up so much time, all my time! I stare at him all day. I feel like last year is so far away now. There are moments I feel so distant from Ruthie Lou and then there are moments where I am looking at ruthie Lou's twin. I have two children. I birthed two children. I carried two children. Sometimes I have to tell myself this over and over and over. It feels like someone else's life. Sometimes I can pretend I am a first time mom and I have this beautiful baby boy but in an instant I know my heart is missing my first tue love, her spot will never be filled in this lifetime. I miss her so much. Our life would be so different if she were here. Perhaps we wouldn't have Reid. I couldn't imagine my life without Reid......

First birthdays are rolling around. How do I feel about this? I am not sure.......I love those babies so much. In that regard, I am so full of joy to watch them grow. I also find myself in these fleeting moments in a room full of people and children, wondering who my girl would be at one years old. I find myself slipping away in my mind, outside the party and missing her so badly. What would our life have been like right now...we will never know.

I am excited for October, I am excited for Fall. Halloween, changing of seasons, end of the sunshine welcoming the darkness. Warm food, cinnamon and nutmeg. Dia de Los muertos and celebrating the dead. Infant loss and remembrance days. I love October. And all the while, my boy will be in my arms reminding me of the living as well....

33 days...

33 days. They pass so quickly. A whole lifetime and the beginning of life. Such a contradiction.

Today on his 33rd day, my son is now older than my daughter. My sweet boy is now the big brother. 33 days, that's all we got with her and they passed so quickly. I hold my boy, looking at his beautiful face, it reminds me of his sister so much and yet it is so different. He is so different. The way he has grown, become so alert, interacted with us these last few weeks, what a gift. I wish Ruthie Lou had been able to express herself in that way as well. There is no question that we felt her love an that she felt ours but I wish it could've been more. I wish we had had more of everything. More time, more snuggles, more smiles, more sunsets. Just more.

The last 33 days with Reid have been so different than our time with Ruthie Lou. A person parents differently to a child who is dying versus one you get to keep. A person lives life so differently when you think time is endless. I have found us doing that this month, taking advantage the luxury of time. We lounge more, we stay inside when we could go out. We put off our walk til tomorrow because we GET tomorrow together. We are living as ordinary parents, it feels so weird. And I hate that I have been a mama for a year but am now a "new parent". I feel so cheated sometimes. We got cheated, Ruthie Lou got cheated. We miss her so much.

Through all this I still understand, Ruthie Lou was not taken from us, this was her journey, she fulfilled her time. But I am human, I am her mama, I miss her. I wish on today, Reid's 33rd day, that she was soundly sleeping in the room down the hall as I rock her little brother to sleep...

I love you RL, to the moon and back more than all the stars in the sky. I love you RW, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you both, my sweet babies. I will forever love you both.

Life changing...once again.

Life has once again changed in an instant. The moment I laid eyes on my boy, my heart melted and I was in love, again. It wasn't as if I forgot how much I love Ruthie Lou because that is impossible but in the moment that I saw my sweet boy outside my belly, the moment I held Reid in my arms, I was instantly reminded of the power of this love. It is unlike any other. I think that in order to continue forward in our life this year, I must not have allowed myself to fully remember this feeling for if I had, I would not have been able to get out of bed every day or any day for that matter. While I have missed and loved Ruthie Lou every single day, I have put some of that memory in the depths of my heart, safe, only to be visited in my quietest of moments, the sacred times that I am able to feel close to her while I shut out the rest of the world. In one moment Reid brought all those emotions back to my heart and in an instant I experienced the pure unconditional bliss & love for my boy and the devastating heart ache of loss, missing my girl. That has been my month, the contradiction of gratitude and sorrow, joy and pain, love and loss. And so life continues moving forward....again.

My brain appears to be adjusting to the tremendous amount of disturbed sleep that this boy has brought into our world and I have begun to feel a bit like my old self again. A BIT. I also still feel slightly delirious and walk away from conversations wondering if what I said made ANY sense at all! Oh well. I am so in love that I find myself spending my entire days staring at and holding this boy as much as I possibly can...which pretty much means most of all day, every day and a lot during the night! Sleep is overrated!

My heart is so full right now, I am so grateful he is finally here safe and sound. I can finally breathe...we can create a baby with all its chromosomes, a baby that we can keep! Of course in the back of my mind, even knowing his fact, I still worry about everything. I really try to push all those fears aside, live in the moment and be present with this special time that truly flies right by. I also think about Ruthie Lou a lot since this is the only time my children will be the same age. I hold Reid in my arms and stare at Ruthie Lou's pictures and compare their similarities, their differences. I see a lot of her in him and I love being able to see their connection to one another but it makes me so sad that that's all we will have, all Reid will have of his sister, just pictures and the stories we tell him. I miss her so much right now rememberig the short time we had with her and now living with Reid, realizing how short that time actually was, an entire lifetime in a 33 days. I am sad for us, sad for him, sad for her. We are all missing out on the life we "should have" had. Then, as quickly as my brain heads down that path, I remind myself to turn that around as fast as it enters my mind. That type thinking, it isn't constructive and I remember, we aren't guaranteed anything in this life.

So for now, I sit. I sit with my boy, I stare at him, I love him. I watch him nurse in amazement that I can provide him with everything he needs right now, he just needs me and lots of love. I am so smitten with him. I want to give him everything and then some. I love him so much and then I love him even more. I give him all the love in my heart and the love reserved for his sister, he gets it all. He gets all of me.

This past year for Ruthie Lou, I stayed healthy for Reid in my belly. Now, I live for Ruthie Lou AND Reid, I stay healthy for my family and the future that is laid in front of us, so close I can taste it. I keep moving. I am here now with my boy in my arms...once again, I have waited my whole life for this.

Finding Balance

I keep wanting to write but with a baby constantly in my arms, it is near impossible. I can't write in Reid's journal because I can't hold a pen, I can't write in Ruthie Lou's journal because I can't hold my iPad so here I write in this forum because I CAN hold my iPhone, but trust me, it's not the easiest to write all your thoughts in a 4x2 phone! And I am NOT complaining!

Reid is nearly three weeks old! I want to say I can't believe it but I can. If I have learned nothing this year it is that time keeps moving even when you don't want it to whether it's to hold on to the good or bad. I wanted time to stand still when Ruthie Lou was alive because we knew the days were limited. I wanted time to stop altogether after she died because I couldn't fathom moving forward in life without her. And now I want time to slow down because I don't want to miss a single thing about this special time with Reid! But time keeps moving....

I am holding my boy in my arms everyday now and I am so grateful. It feels surreal. I am so in love. I am overjoyed. I am so happy. And I am devastatingly sad. For all things Reid, life is so good. He is beautiful, sweet, calm, adorable, easy going, a joy to be with at all times even the fussy crying changing diaper moments. For all things Ruthie Lou, balanced with my love and adoration for her, my heart aches. I miss her so. Watching her brother and sharing these moments make me realize even more how much we missed with her, how much we miss her. I want her here with us, I want to share these moments of Reid with her toddling around with our family. We are a family of four and it is so hard to be here as a family of three.

I look for her, for the signs that we share and they are appearing in different ways now because my routine has changed. I feel a disconnect with her right now because life is so different. It has taken some time to not feel deliriously sleep deprived and be able to function normally...or somewhat normal. It has taken some time to digest Reid's birth, our hospital stay, being home, balancing visitors and adjusting to our new life, I feel distant from my girl and I hate that. I miss her. I also want to be present for my boy, he deserves my undivided attention and love. It is a balance, one that I am sure that all parents of two children must figure out, it's just different when one child is not physically present.

But as I sit in bed typing on my iPhone with my baby boy sleeping on my chest, I remember, life is (still) good and that nothing needs to be figured out today. Life has changed, so once again, we must change. We love both our babies so much and it is extremely clear how much they love us. I am instantly reminded to be in that moment, always.

Last Year...

"The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns." ~ George Santayana

My sweet girl,
A year ago today I thought you were going to die-but you didn't. Unbelievably, you stayed with us two more days. Today, I am awake nearly all night holding your brother and between sweet smiles shared, the tears fall as I love him, I miss you. I never forgot how much I love you but I forgot the overpowering all encompassing undeniable radiating love you feel when you hold your baby, the one you love more than yourself. I love you that much. I love him that much, too. It is so strong. I miss you so. I want you both. I want you here with us.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

Once again my heart is so full, words seem futile to express the joy in my heart!

With so much love, I am so happy to share:

Our sweet boy, Reid Warren Lands has arrived!

August 26th, 2012
5am
8lbs 12oz
21 1/4 inches

He has an incredible story, one that I am working on and will post soon enough. We are so in LOVE. So TIRED. And so GRATEFUL.

We feel his sister so close, in the love we feel from him. It is such a sacred time. To bring him home, to nurse him, to hear his cry. All the the things that that we wanted for his sister but never got to experience. His firsts are also our firsts. We love him so much. We love her so much.

I can't wait to share his entrance into the world and how Ruthie Lou was with us in so many ways...

Until then...welcome sweet boy!

Everything has changed. Nothing has changed.

Everything has changed and nothing has changed.

This thought has rolled around in my head a lot lately as I near the end of this pregnancy, possibly days away from meeting Ruthie Lou's brother.

Everything has changed and nothing has changed.

Looking superficially at our life, nothing has changed. It is still Chris, our dog, cat and me. I am still (once again) pregnant. We are still (once again) expecting a child. Chris still keeps his same job, working to finish his paramedic, I still teach 5th grade. We still do the same activities, he loves to work out and I do too, if I were able to right now. We still laugh, we still play, we still surround ourselves with friends. Nothing has changed.

Until you look closer.

Everything has changed. We had a baby, a beautiful little girl, our sweet precious child. We are parents even if nobody outside us can see that. We are pregnant with our second child, not our first, even though his sister isn't carried in our arms. Chris and I are stronger because we share the largest bond that parents do, the unique love for your child, and our love continues to struggle in this new role not because we sleep deprived with an infant as we wish, but because we are sleep deprived in grief at times. He is the only one in the world who endured each experience before, during and after our daughters short life, the one who loves and misses her equal to me. The only one.

Everything has changed. Our outside relationships are so different now, all of them. Some have suffered, changed and/or ended, struggling to find how to "be" with us. Some have left and unknowingly we don't if that was a conscious choice, ours or theirs. Some have triumphed where it was so hard in the beginning but the love for each other so so worth it, we figured it out leaving the relationship even more valued that we worked through it. Some have strengthened, the "be"ing second nature, natural, so easy. Not one relationship is the same anymore because we have all lost someone we loved this year whether it was our sweet girl or the friend you once had, the people that Chris and I used to be.

Everything has changed. I am not naive to think that pregnancy=baby anymore, I wish I was. Birth is no longer my biggest fear in pregnancy, survival is. I was so scared of the pain and recovery of Ruthie Lou's birth. I wish that were my only fear now. I still fear birth, but I fear our boys survival of birth now. I fear that he dies before he gets in my arms. I fear he is missing chromosomes. I fear I fell in love with my child again and we won't get to keep him.

Everything has changed. I miss feeling normal. Most times I do feel normal because our life hasn't changed outwardly but I miss the way things used to be. The stupid things I would worry about, the unimportant things that would create chaos in my life. I miss being carefree in my love for my babies. I miss the life we didn't get to have with our daughter. I wish my relationship with my daughter were tangible, seen by others, not created without ever being able to have her here. I get tired of thinking about death. I miss feeling understood.

Everything and nothing has changed. If nobody would notice a difference from the outside, why do I feel like an entirely different person leading an entirely unknown life?

Every day.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of my sweet girl. Much has changed over the last year. Some parts have grown closer to her, others seem so far away. I can still feel the softness of her skin to my lips, feel the thickness of her hair thru my fingertips and feel the chunky feet and bony bootie in the palm of my hand. Other parts feel further away. After Ruthie Lou died, I felt closer to the Universe, a place I had never experienced before. I had a glimpse of the other world when I watched my sweet girl breathe her final breaths. I spent a lot of time outside after she left us. I could spend all day sitting in my chair staring at the sky, marveling at the beauty that surrounded nature. It was such a crazy feeling, here my daughter had left us, we were without her yet somehow the world could still look beautiful. How was that possible? Birds chirping, warm sunshine, dragonflies, ladybugs, bees and flowers...it all still remained...beautiful. I never felt angry at the universe. I kept waiting for that moment to arrive. But I was "high" in the love I still felt from my girl, the gifts she had given us, the wisdom her sweet face held. I felt her all around me in the beauty of the world. It was a safe place to feel close to her, without her in my arms.

Now, nearly a year from her birth, I sit with her brother in my belly. He should be here soon. I love being pregnant. I love having him inside me. I love him like I loved his sister at this point. The anxious waiting, nervous about birth, excited and so very scared. Will we get to keep him? Will he be ok? The only way we will know is the moment he arrives and they place him in my arms. I hope he is handed to me immediately, I want to feel his baby skin and gaze into his eyes. I want to hold him, love him, keep him always.

I feel him move, I love that feeling and I am reminded of her. I miss her so much. I sit outside in my pool, floating him in my belly marveling in nature and it still amazes me, beauty remains. I don't know how it is possible to love our babies so much, to lose the greatest love of your life but continue to love them, love life, keep living. How is that possible? I don't know but I don't feel have a choice. I love Ruthie Lou with all of my being. I love this boy more than I can express. It is a sacred time. It is a scary time. It is a time for faith. One moment at a time.

The Should Haves

Chris never let me think of the "should haves" after Ruthie died. He said it was too mean. I remember seeing a mama and her baby walking a stroller down the street and saying, "that should've been me" as tears swelled up my eyes and down my cheeks. He wouldn't allow it. At first I thought he was callous, how could he not think of what was supposed to be? But then I felt the emotions of that thinking, the hard, sad, gut wrenchingly painful emotions of the should'ves and I started to let it go, too. Sometimes they are undeniable, there is no way to talk yourself out for them. Other times, turning off the imaginary life with our daughter that never came to fruition was easier on my heart, easier on my soul. I wasn't denying her, I wasn't denying the loss, the emptiness, the process of grief but I was allowing myself a break. Giving myself time to feel those emotions when it was safe, not at the drop of the hat or at the sight of the mama walking her baby in the stroller.

Now, as I carry this sweet boy as loving and wholeheartedly as I did his sister, it is hard to turn off the should'ves because now they are in the hopes of the future for him, the same hope for the future we had for Ruthie. The "should'ves" have turned into the "when's"...when the baby is born, when the baby comes, when he is here, etc. It is so hard to imagine the when's because acknowledging that hope once again acknowledges the loss that we live with now. It is déjà vu for a year ago as we planned for WHEN Ruthie would be coming home. We prepared her room for when she was to sleep in it. We built her stroller for when I would walk her in it. We put her car seat in the car as I was laboring for when we left the hospital with her. And none of those things happened. And when we came home, our house and our hearts were empty. We were lost. We had no baby. We had lost her.

I don't want to deny my heart hope, hope that this little guy brings but in having hope again, it feels so close to the pain still. Hope hurts because losing her hurts. I don't want to lose him, too. When we are congratulated on his pregnancy it is so hard sometimes because I am scared. If I am able to stay present I am able to accept someone's joy for me, my joy for myself but I wait so anxiously for the moment that they place this little boy on my chest and they tell me he is healthy, he is staying. Until that moment, the when's for him feel so close the to the when's we had for Ruthie and also the should'ves that we feel for her now.

Near You Always

How do you share a story that doesn't have an ending yet? Or start in the middle when you aren't sure where to begin? My life was forever altered the day I held my sweet girl in my arms but I have lived a lifetime before then and a lifetime since.

I am a mama. I am Ruthie Lou's mama. Soon to be this little boys mama.

My whole life I have waited for these days. To love someone more than you love yourself, to live selflessly for another, to nurture and give my all for the joy of my sweet babies.

Never did I imagine that this would be my journey. Never did I imagine that a heart could hold this much love, this much pain and still have room for more. This is being a mama. This is my heart in your hands.

I imagine this song was written for a lover but there is no greater love than a parent for their child. Ruthie Lou, I have loved you so much more than I could ever imagine. You have filled my heart full enough for a lifetime and I want you near me always...even if it is only thru the love I show your siblings. Each and every moment of each and every day.

Near You Always-Jewel (1994) 

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always