Every day.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of my sweet girl. Much has changed over the last year. Some parts have grown closer to her, others seem so far away. I can still feel the softness of her skin to my lips, feel the thickness of her hair thru my fingertips and feel the chunky feet and bony bootie in the palm of my hand. Other parts feel further away. After Ruthie Lou died, I felt closer to the Universe, a place I had never experienced before. I had a glimpse of the other world when I watched my sweet girl breathe her final breaths. I spent a lot of time outside after she left us. I could spend all day sitting in my chair staring at the sky, marveling at the beauty that surrounded nature. It was such a crazy feeling, here my daughter had left us, we were without her yet somehow the world could still look beautiful. How was that possible? Birds chirping, warm sunshine, dragonflies, ladybugs, bees and flowers...it all still remained...beautiful. I never felt angry at the universe. I kept waiting for that moment to arrive. But I was "high" in the love I still felt from my girl, the gifts she had given us, the wisdom her sweet face held. I felt her all around me in the beauty of the world. It was a safe place to feel close to her, without her in my arms.

Now, nearly a year from her birth, I sit with her brother in my belly. He should be here soon. I love being pregnant. I love having him inside me. I love him like I loved his sister at this point. The anxious waiting, nervous about birth, excited and so very scared. Will we get to keep him? Will he be ok? The only way we will know is the moment he arrives and they place him in my arms. I hope he is handed to me immediately, I want to feel his baby skin and gaze into his eyes. I want to hold him, love him, keep him always.

I feel him move, I love that feeling and I am reminded of her. I miss her so much. I sit outside in my pool, floating him in my belly marveling in nature and it still amazes me, beauty remains. I don't know how it is possible to love our babies so much, to lose the greatest love of your life but continue to love them, love life, keep living. How is that possible? I don't know but I don't feel have a choice. I love Ruthie Lou with all of my being. I love this boy more than I can express. It is a sacred time. It is a scary time. It is a time for faith. One moment at a time.

The Should Haves

Chris never let me think of the "should haves" after Ruthie died. He said it was too mean. I remember seeing a mama and her baby walking a stroller down the street and saying, "that should've been me" as tears swelled up my eyes and down my cheeks. He wouldn't allow it. At first I thought he was callous, how could he not think of what was supposed to be? But then I felt the emotions of that thinking, the hard, sad, gut wrenchingly painful emotions of the should'ves and I started to let it go, too. Sometimes they are undeniable, there is no way to talk yourself out for them. Other times, turning off the imaginary life with our daughter that never came to fruition was easier on my heart, easier on my soul. I wasn't denying her, I wasn't denying the loss, the emptiness, the process of grief but I was allowing myself a break. Giving myself time to feel those emotions when it was safe, not at the drop of the hat or at the sight of the mama walking her baby in the stroller.

Now, as I carry this sweet boy as loving and wholeheartedly as I did his sister, it is hard to turn off the should'ves because now they are in the hopes of the future for him, the same hope for the future we had for Ruthie. The "should'ves" have turned into the "when's"...when the baby is born, when the baby comes, when he is here, etc. It is so hard to imagine the when's because acknowledging that hope once again acknowledges the loss that we live with now. It is déjà vu for a year ago as we planned for WHEN Ruthie would be coming home. We prepared her room for when she was to sleep in it. We built her stroller for when I would walk her in it. We put her car seat in the car as I was laboring for when we left the hospital with her. And none of those things happened. And when we came home, our house and our hearts were empty. We were lost. We had no baby. We had lost her.

I don't want to deny my heart hope, hope that this little guy brings but in having hope again, it feels so close to the pain still. Hope hurts because losing her hurts. I don't want to lose him, too. When we are congratulated on his pregnancy it is so hard sometimes because I am scared. If I am able to stay present I am able to accept someone's joy for me, my joy for myself but I wait so anxiously for the moment that they place this little boy on my chest and they tell me he is healthy, he is staying. Until that moment, the when's for him feel so close the to the when's we had for Ruthie and also the should'ves that we feel for her now.

Near You Always

How do you share a story that doesn't have an ending yet? Or start in the middle when you aren't sure where to begin? My life was forever altered the day I held my sweet girl in my arms but I have lived a lifetime before then and a lifetime since.

I am a mama. I am Ruthie Lou's mama. Soon to be this little boys mama.

My whole life I have waited for these days. To love someone more than you love yourself, to live selflessly for another, to nurture and give my all for the joy of my sweet babies.

Never did I imagine that this would be my journey. Never did I imagine that a heart could hold this much love, this much pain and still have room for more. This is being a mama. This is my heart in your hands.

I imagine this song was written for a lover but there is no greater love than a parent for their child. Ruthie Lou, I have loved you so much more than I could ever imagine. You have filled my heart full enough for a lifetime and I want you near me always...even if it is only thru the love I show your siblings. Each and every moment of each and every day.

Near You Always-Jewel (1994) 

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always