New Location...

I have moved! In trying to combine this blog with Ruthie Lou's story, as well as some new endeavors, I am working on a new website.

Come check out the new location:

www.amielands.weebly.com

Love, light & healing to you ❤️

Capture Your Grief

GRIEF. Noun. A person, place or thing. "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed" 

GRIEVING. Verb. An action word. Something that you do. "1 : to cause to suffer : distress <it grieves me to see him this way> 2 : to feel or show grief over <grieving the death of her son> "

 

If grief is the response to loss and that loss never goes away then in return, the grief is never ending. It does not go away. It does not end. EVER.

But it does change. And continue to change. Thank goodness for the change.

It would be naive of me to think that how I feel today is how I will continue to feel in years come, that how I felt in year one of missing Ruthie Lou even mirrors how I feel this year. Thankfully, grief changes. Now that doesn't mean that I miss her any less or that I am comfortable in any way with living without my daughter but the loss becomes more tolerable, more normal to this life. And it certainly doesn't mean that in a moments notice (or no notice at all) that I can find myself in the fresh, raw emotions of devastation that haunted me for months after saying goodbye to our sweet girl. Those moments still follow me......

I am thankful for this change. I am sad for this change. In moving farther away in time and in emotion, I feel like I have forgotten some of the memories I never wanted to forget. Thank goodness I wrote so much down, I read those words, close my eyes and I can instantly smell Ruthie Lou's sweet baby smell, I can feel her thick coarse hair in my fingers, I can hear the purr of her breath. But I am thankful that my mind has protected my heart enough to live in this world again, to find joy in the sorrow, to see beauty in the pain.

With all that said, the grief is ever present. It never fully goes away. Like the healing of a wound, the scab has come off but we are still left with this scar, the ever present reminder of the life that will never return.

I am participating in the "Capture Your Grief" event once again this year, it is a photographing event, which seems fitting to my loss for words lately. Last year, I was unable to finish the month, it was too raw, too hard to hold others grief along with my own. This year, I have a fresh perspective, a pull at my heart to discover the purpose in this mystery of life, to contribute to the legacy left by my daughter. I am not exactly sure what that is yet but I am following my heart to see where it leads. Ruthie Lou gave me so many gifts, left so many lessons in the shadow of her path and I don't feel like she's done yet. Perhaps she is guiding me through my journey.

Whatever the outcome, whether I finish the month or not, I know that my job in this life  is to bring awareness to the world. Awareness of loss, awareness of love, awareness of grief, that it is all perfection. These babies who we love so much, are so important, they are our family, parts of our hearts that can never be replaced or forgotten, they are our greatest loves. No matter if our children are in our arms or in our hearts, they are a part of us. Forever. 

I never want them to be forgotten. I never want a mama or a family to feel alone. You are not alone in this grief. 

A picture speaks a thousand words

I am taking some photography classes and they seem to have taken any free moments I get after Reid falls asleep, it's great. They are not quite technical classes for my camera (yet!) but they are reflective forms of using the camera and ways to edit some sweetness in the photos. This work has really put some perspective back into my heart. It seems that I don't have, or haven't made, as much writing time as I once had and I miss it dearly. I miss the ability to put time into my thoughts but these pictures are speaking a thousand words that I am unable to right now. The camera is seeing the view of my heart, it's speaking volumes for me. 

I spend a lot of alone time with Reid, beautiful, challenging, rewarding alone time. Since dad is full time school and work right now, Reid and I do pick up, dinner, bath time, evening walk, dancing and bed time together each and every day, it is so hard and exactly as I hoped it to be. He is my buddy, my sweet boy, my love. 

Being a mama is the hardest, most exhausting, yet rewarding job I have ever had. I look around the house and it doesn't seem like I do much of anything. I don't have alone time, let alone free time. I can't remember the last book I read in its entirety that wasn't a parenting book. I can't do any task that requires the use of two hands. But I do get, big hugs, sweet kisses, squeals, oinks and a dancing partner all night long. I get to see the world through the innocent eyes of a discovering toddler. And at the end of the day when I snuggle him close, I get to breathe in the sweet fragrance of heaven as I inhale his baby smell. 

I thoroughly realize I actually do so much. I am raising a little person; a brilliant, loving, sweet little boy. And THAT is my most important job, ever.

Never.

You are asleep in my arms as I lay in the recliner in the dark living room, it's way past bed time. You've been a out for a while now, soft music playing in the background, the perfect soundtrack to he rhythm of your breathing. I could lay you down in bed but then I wouldn't be holding you and right now, all I want in the world is to hold you. I never want to let you go. Never. And certainly not tonight.

And so it begins... Ruthie Lou's Month.

It was a Sunday two years ago on August 7th, a typical summer night. I was tired, swollen, living barefoot and pregnant & loving life at 37 weeks 3 days. I called the nurse who advised me to stay hydrated drinking watermelon and cucumber juicees. I skipped the horse races for the first year ever because I could not imagine walking the hot pavement at the fairgrounds. I decided it was time to write my three months of sub plans since my baby would be arriving soon, there was much planning to do. On that very same night I had no idea that "tomorrow" would be the day that I joyfully & excitedly would go into labor with the sweetest baby girl. I had no idea that those moments would be forever ingrained in my head, setting the first domino in motion that would change my life. Forever. 

And so it begins...Ruthie Lou's month...

There is only love

I wrote this in early 2011, shortly after the transition of a most beautiful woman, sister, daughter of our friend(s) which was months before Ruthie Lou arrived but while she was in my belly. I was overwhelmed with pain, sadness & disbelief at the loss of such a unique soul yet somehow had this glimpse into what my God is, what life is because of her life. I have reflected on this piece so many times as I have walked this journey of two years. It amazes me tha I had the insight to write this without having any idea the turn my life would soon take. It's moments like this that solidify my faith of "what is"...

"I believe in a God that is loving. 

 

I believe that our human experience is only one small part in the life of our soul and it does not begin nor end on the day of our birth or death. 

 

I believe that our human life is short.  Often times shorter than we could ever imagine.  It is my own personal responsibility to live and love in a way that everyday I am spiritually fulfilled and proud of who I am and who I am eternally becoming.

 

I believe that people make daily choices in their life.  From the moment I wake until I lay my head back on my pillow at night, my choices should be well thought out and only made with good intentions.  

 

I believe that we are responsible only for oursleves. I can only control my own actions and reactions to experiences and events in my life. 

 

I believe that all people are beautiful, pure and have good intentions.  I make mistakes but am clear to always learn the lesson and try better next time.

 

I believe that very unfortunate things happen to very good people everyday without reasons known to us.  Everyday I have the gift of choice of what I will learn from my experiences and how I will respond to lifes greatest as wells as most unfortunate events.

 

 My God is pure, loving, accepting and warm.  There is only love."

-2011

Two years later I am more certain than ever, there is only love. All my love to you, wherever you are on your own journey.

 

 

One year, ten months.

That's how old you would have been today.

Every month that thought, as the number continues to grow, in an instant brings me to my knees. 

One year, nine months....

since you left my arms 33 days later. I had no choice other than setting you free. I had to let you go but let's be clear,  I didn't want to.

The days keep moving. And moving. And moving.

I love this life. I love my baby Reid. 

and in the same breath

I miss my Ruthie Lou, my sweet precious girl. My heart forever breaks for you. Sometimes I am pretty sure I don't have any idea just how much I am really broken from losing you. 

While I absolutely, hands down, no questions asked, love THIS life, I equally HATE that my daughter is not here to share it with us in the way I planned her to be. 

I am a mama to two children who I will forever love more than life itself.

Elementary School Talent Show

The elementary school talent show.  That's where my heart fell to pieces today. The violinist stood on stage, all 4 feet of her. Her straight bob hair with the violin in her hand she prepared to play and her dad so lovingly set up her stage, music stand, microphone, chair to sit. It was beautiful. The violin floated across our 50 year old MPR amongst the sounds of the piano her father played. In this simple act of dad and while listening to their song, I lost my cool, I totally lost my shit. Maybe externally I held it together, maybe to those far enough away that they couldn't see the whites of my eyes turn red, welling with tears. 

I miss our girl. I miss all of her, the parts we got to hold and love and cherish and the parts that we will never get. The talent shows, the school days, goodnight kisses, morning snuggles, chasing her around the house as we do her brother. And that only touches a portion of it. Kindergarten, promotion ceremonies, sports, teenage arguments, drivers license, dating, wedding day, pregnancy, grand babies...

I can never predict when or how hard these moments hit. The elementary school talent show made me lose my shit today. I miss our girl, I miss you Ruthie Lou every day still.

Our hearts live here...

It has been nearly 8 months since Ruthie Lou's "year", since we have completed her caringbridge website and began our life with her little brother Reid. "Grief is a process, not an event", these words still hang on our fridge today.  We have chosen to LIVE through our grief, to LIVE because of the love that we will forever have for the girl that made us a family, who enriched our hearts, changed our lives and made us better people. THANK YOU SO MUCH for being our lifeline of support when we needed it most, we are eternally grateful for the love and support you have selflessly given  to us. 

So much has changed in the past eight months yet so much remains the same as life has moved forward and we have began this new path.  We are so in love with Reid and are really enjoying our life with him.  He has re-opened a place in our hearts that we thought could never return. We are so grateful.  While joy is ever so present when we look at the face of our boy, grief is a process that remains today as we live a life without his sister.

As time has moved forward, we continue to be blessed with so much love and support from family, friends and the staff at the George Mark Children's House.  Just about every other week, we pack up the car with baby Reid in tow and visit "sister's house" for counseling. We look forward to this trip every single time. Even though our life with Ruthie Lou in our arms has passed, the support from her house continues to be present. Our fondest memories with Ruthie Lou are at GMCH and we are so appreciative to continue to be part of the family there.  While money could never "repay" them for the time we had as a family that was priceless, the only way we can give back for their generosity is to pay it forward to other families that need the services of the gift that is George Mark.

So, once again our family (and any friends interested) will be participating in Sonoma County's Human Race on Saturday, May 11th, a 10k/3k walk/run, to help raise money for the George Mark Children's House.  We ask that if you are so inclined, please support us in this event and donate to a cause that will forever be so dear to our hearts.  Every dollar donated makes a difference no matter the amount. Last year we were able to surpass our goal of $500 and raised nearly $2,000 for the George Mark Children's House and we hope to surpass our goal once again this year!

Please visit http://www.humanracenow.org/goto/ruthieloucrew and consider making a tax deductible donation to the George Mark Children's House in honor of Ruthie Lou, or any other child you have loved that has left us far too soon.  Your contribution will allow other families the opportunity and gift of time that our family was so graciously granted in the most desperate, heart wrenching yet beautiful time in our life, our life with Ruthie Lou.  

Thank you again and again and again.

Moving Forward, Moving On...

One of the hardest things to hear soon after Ruthie Lou left us was the words, "moving on".  It brought up such anger that anyone could think that some day I would "move on" from my daughter, would you ever "move on" from your living children?  Then why would I move on from my child who has left me....?

I have found that I am in a place of "moving forward", it feels so much different than moving on. Moving on feels devastating, like we will forget her, we are leaving her, we are moving to another place without her and that will never be the case.  Moving forward feels like life is continuing forward with her by our side and in our hearts, where she will always reside whether spoken aloud or not.

Life gets busy.  Real life beckons my return.  Work, bills, being a mama, wife, friend and a functioning member of society demand my presence and that is a hard to pill to swallow on some days. But on other days, the sunshine pours in our bedroom window and I am woken by the sweet smiles and laughter of a little boy, our rainbow baby, the rainbow after the storm. Somehow, it has gotten easier.  Somehow, life has moved forward and I am a part of this life that I had no choice in other than the choice to keep living.  I am so grateful that real life beckons me back because THAT is what my daughter would have wanted. She would have wanted us to move forward, loving life and living the best life possible.

So many gifts she left behind, so many lessons.  I miss my sweet girl each day and I am so grateful she taught me the true value of this life. I am forever changed. I am better because of her.

Stay tuned...

I have written my first children's book...!

I do my best thinking in the shower, don't you? As the hot water warms me and steam fills the bathroom, the house becomes quiet or at least in my mind it does. It is (usually) the only ten minutes of the day that I get to myself, no demands, no crying, no phone; texts, ringing, FB, or emails. It is the perfect time to think. My day start best clean, clean body, clean mind and a clean start to the day.

The other morning as I was in the shower rushing to get out the door for work, the baby slept in so I was alone in the bathroom and the water got me thinking...and writing in my head. Many times I am not able to write down my thoughts as they come to me (because I'm in the shower!) so I "write" then in my head hoping that they someday make it to my journal...and sometimes they actually do. But this morning as I was thinking, my mind started writing my book, not Ruthie Lou's book, as it has so many times before but my children's book which is also on my wish list of life. Now, Ruthie Lou's book is such a task to tackle because while I could (and have) written hundreds of pages for her, to her and about her; her actual book is a challenge I am not yet prepared to face...YET. It is still too soon to write her book for my heart.

So instead, my mind went to the small attainable goal of writing a book for children. And since I am surrounded by kids 24/7, the thoughts came as if placed from above...and I'm sure they were! I wrote my first children's book...in my head...while in the shower...along with an entire set of volumes to accompany it but this ONE, the first one, has actually made it to paper. With some tweaks here and there and a proof read from my (super sister) illustrator, this dream is beginning to come to fruition.

Stay tuned....

Life keeps changing...

Nothing ever stays the same. In moments of chaos, uncertainty and decisions to be made, THIS is peace. Sitting outside feeling the cool breeze, warm sun and smelling the spring flowers with my boy, THIS is peace. Family is peace. Nature is peace. Breathe in, breathe out. Be present, be now. Nothing is more important than this moment.

Spring is near

March already?! Spring is near, the time is changing, lighter later, flowers blooming, new growth in nature, new life forming. It's a time for renewal, a time for re-birth.

It's crazy to feel like a normal mama to our 6 month old boy, figuring out how to balance my boy, work, groceries, cooking, exercise, writing, and leaving some time to give my husband attention, too. How do people do it? I have no idea. still. I think you just keep waking up, getting out of bed and trying again. I have learned that's the secret for most things in life, put one foot in front of the other & just keep trying!

It has been nearly a year and a half since we last held our sweet girl, I can't believe how far away that feels now yet how in an instant I could be thrown back there so quickly. Last month, realizing she would have been a year and a half is so hard to imagine, she will always be my sweet 6lb 9oz baby whose bootie fit so perfectly in the palm of my hand. I miss her so.

I look at this boy, I watch him grow right before my eyes and time is flying with him! Everyday is something new, some discovery he has made or new skill he has mastered. It's also so incredible that one can function on such small amounts of sleep. There is so much I want to do but the days are so short and the nights are so long. We spend about 12 hours a night in bed but usually only sleep about 7 of them. It's crazy making but so much fun.

Life is busy. Life is crazy. Life feels like a whirlwind, too. It's a happier whirlwind than last year, I am laughing and smiling now, but a whirlwind none the less.

Loving Ruthie Lou Today...and Everyday!

I have been feeling distant from myself as can happen when the pace of life picks up, I miss my writing days. But days filled with little boy laughter, smiles, grunts and farts are worth the lack of time...

I wanted to write a tribute to Ruthie Lou as I did for her brother but then I was reminded of writing from when she was alive, when I would write with her in my arms and NOTHING could compare to that moment in time. I wrote the following so that I would never forget how special my girl was, how important her life was and how incredibly much I love her. As if I could EVER forget.

Happy Valentines Day my sweet loves, RL & RW.

September 2011~

**Things I <3 about Ruthie Lou**

The faces she makes when I make out with her
Her puckered lips
Her popeye face
Her grunty noises
Her Squeals
The way she moves her mouth all over
How she wiggles, squirms & moves her mouth when she wakes up then stretches her feet out straight
She likes to be held close to your body
The smell of her baby johnsons hair
Beautiful long fingernails, short stubby toenails and missing pinky nail
Bony booty
Skinny legs with rolls
Her little pug nose, long curly blonde eyelashes, crazy blonde eyebrows remind me of papa jock
Her amazing crazy hair, the perfect mix of mama and dad
Blonde, red, brown golden straw hair
She can lift her right eyebrow and wrinkle her forehead
Her crooked smile as she sleeps
Running my fingers thru her hair
Her fists
Her Flintstone feet


**Ruthie Has Taught Us...**

Imperfections are what make us Perfect
Patience
Parties are worth waking up for
That her dad is amazing, more amazing than I ever knew
Sunsets are magical
I love to write
Can't plan and schedule everything


**Ruthies Lessons**
How to share
Family is number one
Friends are your family, too
Kisses make everything better
Love wholeheartedly
Appreciate the little things
Don't sweat the small stuff
Hug your kids tighter
Every morning we wake up is a blessing
Sunsets are beautiful


**Blessings from Ruthie Lou**

Reunited a marriage, gave two boys their parents back
Helped a mama love her girls with all choices in life, good and bad
Uncle ****** made it on time to Ruthie Lou's blessing
Made DAD LOVE ME even more
Made ME LOVE DAD even more
Families are slowing down for time with each other
Brought new friends together

Loving Reid Today...and Every Day!

I am in love being Reid's mama, he is a part of me still even though he is now apart from me. We have an understanding of one another that I never want to lose but since he must grow, alas, I will treasure each and every moment with this sweet boy.

I love the feeling of his hand wrapped around my finger, holding my hand while his love holds my heart.
I love breast feeding him and his soft hand gently rubbing my chest.
I love rocking him and his warm body contoured to mine.
I love dancing with him and his eyes smiling up at me.
I love sleeping with his snuggled body meshed next to mine.
I love bath time that is more about playing than getting clean.
I love wearing this boy on long walks, sharing with him all that is nature around us.
i love reading him books and watching his mind learning with such wonder.
I love soothing him when he is crying out for his mama.
I love staring at his sweet face, us smiling at one another.
I love the sound of laughter brightening the silent walls of our home.
I love waking in the morning to a smile so bright it could light up all the sadness in my heart.
I love our sweet boy Reid, for all he has brought, all that he is and all that will grow to be.

I stare at you still.

I stare at you still, I watch your perfect face in a sweet slumber listening to your breath., my favorite noise. You are so perfect. You are healthy. You are ours and I love you so much. I can't believe that we made you, that I grew you, that you came from my body, from your dad and me. You are life's great perfection, all parts of you, I am so grateful and so incredibly tired, even so incredibly tired, I can't help but marvel in all that you are and all that you will be. You light up the broken cracks in my heart. The cracks placed there in the loss of your sister, the cracks waiting to shine in the darkness, you brought the light.